Lose 5 to 10 pounds

When I first put myself out there after George passed away I was in the beginning stages of reinventing myself. I had been doing SoulCycle for about two months and had lost about 12-15lbs and feeling pretty good about myself. Well so I thought. When I look back at my decisions and timing, I started dating way too early. I just wasn’t ready to commit to anything and I was only doing it to occupy my mind. I was afraid of being alone and I also didn’t feel comfortable with myself. But I do not regret my decisions because it made me stronger and more self aware. You never really get to learn about yourself until you’re faced with something so horrific and the only means of survival is making it through the day. I promised myself the next day had to be better. And when it wasn’t, I hope the next one was. Eventually they were.

Anyway, I went out with an accountant a couple times very early on in my dating life. How they cast accountants in movies, this guy epitomized it. Receding hairline, short, and had a very whining but matter of fact tone to his voice. I told my buddies he was a good training wheels guy. That’s about it. I believe it was the second time we were hanging out he flat out said to me, you could lose 5 to 10 pounds. I scoffed because he wasn’t anything special himself, but I also had been committing a lot of time to making my mind right by finding productive ways to channel my grief. At this point in May 2014, I was all about SoulCycle. I love being astride the bike and having the challenge of turning the resistance up just a little bit more. I wanted to feel my quads ache and my hamstrings burn as I pedaled more and more. I loved it so much I decided to get certified as a indoor cycling instructor. Those weeks of closing my eyes and finding my inner strength on a bike allowed for his rude comments to just roll off my back.

5 to 10 pounds it’ll be 20-25, I thought to myself.

At this point in time, I was determined to change just about everything about myself. I didnt want to be me anymore. If you go back to posts from that time I pretty much said that very freely. I wanted to wake up and be someone else. That’s when the full blown commitment to fitness began. I was so unhappy with myself and using fitness to expel my grief was the only thing I could think of. I wasn’t really hyped about my grief counselor, who perpetually forgot my name and who I was grieving for (she thought I lost a parent). And drinking the pain away actually exacerbated it. Plus I physically couldn’t deal with the morning puffiness after drinking, still can’t, and the regret of saying or doing something stupid weighed on my mind. Fitness was it.

I wanted to physically put my body through hardships my mind couldn’t handle. Display my emotions through transformations. Look as strong as everyone gave me credit for. Fitness was my drug, my lifeline, and gave me a reason to wake up each day.

I think back to that conversation of needing to lose 5 to 10 pounds, and someone tried to cut me down a peg to make themselves feel better. But the journey was already in motion, whether he said it or not, I was going to find a way out of the grief labyrinth. Weight loss wasn’t the initial plan, feeling better was and still is.

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Having Courage

Well with my time winding down here in New Jersey, I have decided to spend my Thursday mornings at SoulCycle, again. I’ll miss it, but hopefully the company will decided it’s time to set up shop in Montgomery. We’ll see. I’ve professed my admiration for this cult-like indoor cycling class many times-because it got me started on the road to a healthier lifestyle- but today my reigning #WCW for over a year, Erika, said something that really stuck with me. There was one song where we were turning up our resistance and over the blast of the music she asked the class if we were at our limit yet? I have never stepped away from a challenge so of course I reached down and turned the knob to the right at add more gear. But she continued to voice her encouragement to the class. “In order to know your real strength, what you can do, you need to go places you’ve never gone before and that will show your real courage. It takes courage to go further, to take a risk.”

After the class I told her I loved what she said because I felt like it related to me. Regardless of the upcoming move, there are situations in my life that I am encountering where I initial feel like I can’t do this. I’ve been on my own for over a year and a half, but I had a group of friends to support me in and around the NYC area. But now, I’m embarking on the next great journey. I’m looking to establish my own business when I never thought I could. I feel more stable than I ever have before. I look around me, and think about the future more. I am ready to be alive and carve my path.

The only way I can possibly describe my current mindset and feeling is for a long time I felt like I was chasing a shadow. I would walk a path and in front of me is a shadow of what I believed was me. Staring down at it’s every move and figuring a way to trap it and call it my own. The dark outlines, and same cadence and leading me to where I thought I need to be going. Leading me to where I was SUPPOSED to go. But now my gaze is ascending and the sun is shining above my head. I see the horizon, rimmed in gold, glowing so bright and in front of me is possibilities. I’m taking a risk, and with all my heart I know it will have great reward. Through this entire widow journey, I knew it would stretch me to my limit and then past it to find strength and hold on to it, but I never realized that I needed to find my courage to want to push along as well.

I LOVE the lessons that fitness and sport teaches. The structure and direction it provides cannot be rivaled.IMG_9996

Transformation of the Year

Warning: The hubris is real in this post. There is no competition, no election, no votes, because without rival I have won the Transformation of the Year Award. Challenge me for it, I dare you. I destroyed 2014.

Facebook had the audacity to try and compute the “best moments” of my 2014 year, but from where I began January 1 to now cannot be collected in a montage of pictures and post that received the most “likes.” WordPress tried to sway me by showing me my “Year end review” as today’s post, but I wanted to take control of deciding the highlights of this year rather than social media telling me what’s up.

This was my first full year without George. The thought of it on December 31, 2013 shook me so deep that I felt it in my bone marrow. And I’ll be completely honest, with 2015 just 26 hours away, heading into another full year without him sucks too. But this suckage is going to continue for a lifetime. And that’s just the way it goes. Life without George sucks, but I’m making the most of it.

Get ready for a plethora of pictures, because as I said, the hubris is real.

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I’m not sure where to really even begin. I honestly gave up on life November 25th, 2013. I thought with George gone, I would certainly wither away into oblivion. It was wishful thinking to vanish in those early weeks and months. I returned to work just a week after he died, but when winter break hit, I went back home to grieve with my family around. When it was time to return from winter break back to the office, I was only wearing George’s sweaters. It was the way I wanted to deal with the loss of my husband, and it also was a way for me to be hidden. Tucked away within oversized sweatshirts.

IMG_9078God I hated myself at that time. When looking for pictures for this post, I honestly have very few from November-February. I just veered away from cameras. Once Drew was back in session and lacrosse season commenced my life had purpose again. In a Jay-Z kind of way, every single day I had 99 excuses why I never wanted to leave my apartment, but there was 1 reason why I did: Drew women’s lacrosse team.

IMG_8043When I was splintered and cracking this team helped me stay together so I wouldn’t shatter. No matter how badly I wanted to just say to hell with all of this and just not show up, I would mosey into the field house at 6am with tear streaked cheeks from sobbing and massive bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, and these girls would be ready to go. Most the time. They would buy me a coffee in the morning, and my assistant would tell me something completely out there from what happened to her the night before. It was the best life support I could have asked for. Throughout the season we had amazing experiences which will forever warm my heart.

Like going to the Super Bowl Halftime show at the Meadowlands!1660297_10100343770538369_746299047_nIMG_5690

We participated in Cycle for Survival, where all the money raised goes directly to Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center to help perpetuate cancer research and treatments. As a team we raised over $11,000 for rare cancer research, something that meant the WORLD to me because George believed so much in everything they were doing for him at MSKCC, and I wanted to continue his fight against cancer even though he was no longer with us.

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February 8, 2014 changed my life completely. Having the team surround me and support me on this cause, and seeing how much they believed in it, it set in motion my gradual physical transformation. I felt so damn good sitting on that bike and riding for George. I felt him in all my muscle fibers just telling me to be a little stronger and fight a little harder. If you wanna to learn more or donate to our team at http://mskcc.convio.net/goto/TeamKraynak

IMG_8522Right before our first game on February 27th, I made the move from the apartment George and I shared to where I am now. The stress of losing George and then moving was far from easy. It was a fast reality that life unfortunately goes on, and I needed to start figuring out how to live by myself. Cooking for 1 was something that took some getting used to, but finding ways to occupy my time and mind became a necessity for survival. And that’s where SoulCycle came in.

IMG_6120The energy, community, friendships and strength I gained during the classes at SoulCycle changed my personal outlook. During the time from when I found out George was dying to February 8th, I stopped caring for myself. I had put on a tremendous amount of weight because I just was so depressed, and so empty inside. The moment I sat in on my first SoulCycle class I knew it was going to impact my year. I loved the sensation of my legs screaming at me as I tried to keep pace with the instructor. Dropping my elbows on the downbeat of the music, and closing my eyes just so I could feel the love swell inside me. I hung on to those feelings from the classes for days. I returned weekly to SoulCycle until I was making daily visits and sometimes twice a day visits. I felt safe within the community, and they encouraged me to better myself. They wanted me to be the best person I could be that day. And even when there were days when all I wanted to do is curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out, I would throw on the yoga pants and a t-shirt and head to Short Hill to ride.

IMG_7139Eventually, there started to be some noticeable changes. I was happier and had more energy. The tireless nights and the tears started to subside, and my life was starting to come together a little bit. But unfortunately I still was very unstable. But through the instability, I made sure to keep my off days consistent, and I made sure to go to Coney Island to go swimming with the Polar Bear Club. Again, many of George’s friends do polar bear swims and it was another way for me to feel him. But running into ice cold water was another way for me to control my grief. I wanted to feel the discomfort of the water, and I also loved the support the community offered me. Encouraging me to go a little deeper, stay in a second longer, to embrace the excitement of rushing down the gritty beach, and kicking the sand up as you step into the lapping ocean water. The shock of the water awakens every neuron and cell in your body.

1498782_10152560235034377_1267205832_oOnce the lacrosse season ended, my daily routines were shook up and I ran off to Europe. Throughout the first 6 months of 2014, I felt a lot of my time was spent to holding it together and to working, and I needed to take the time for myself to fall apart. So I packed my bags, and headed to Germany and Switzerland, where I got to visit the Alps and touch the sky and see the beauty of everything that surrounds us. And once again, as I looked out at the snow caps, and the green plains below I realized that this life is so massive, that these moments we have together are suspended in time. Just dangling there like a puppet in our memories, just waiting to be revisited and played with. Regardless of how painful. Our time together is unique to only us and we define them any which way we want. And as much as I would get angry that George was gone, I wouldn’t trade our moments and memories at all. So much so, that if I had to go back in time and do it all over again, I would because it led me to him.

imageUpon returning from Europe, I returned to NJ and made a vow to take care of myself over the summer. It was time for me to figure out how to maneuver through this journey and life. The weapon I chose was exercise. I became spin certified. I started lifting with my good friend and neighbor, who also work at Drew. Finally a work colleague/friend asked if I wanted to do a triathlon and that’s when my brain lit up like a halogen lamp. I loved biking, I had been doing SoulCycle and had just been hired at a gym to teach spin. I had started running again a bit more in late June, so it made sense to incorporate swimming into the regiment. Training for the triathlon gave me direction and purpose which I had been lacking since lacrosse season ended. Plus it forced me to be more militant and disciplined with my exercising. My body transformed quickly and as my body was transforming my mood and grief became more manageable.IMG_7170IMG_6463IMG_6956In the middle of my workouts I traveled back to Connecticut where I became an aunt and met my niece for the first time. During this time in my home state turned out I had mono… Anyway, when I saw her beautiful face and the cutest smile, she melted my heart. I felt that unconditional love again, and I started to feel alive as I was heading into August. I cannot even describe to you how callous I was prior to meeting her. It was instantaneous, I saw her face and my heart just filled up. She’s my best little buddy.

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Then in August I got the most amazing opportunity. To ride in the Cycle for Survival Times Square Takeover and tell my story on why Cycle for Survival is so important to me. Never in this lifetime did I think I would speak in the middle of Time Square! And as Fall approached, many of the first anniversaries were going to hit hard. But with the Time Square Takeover, I got to spend my wedding anniversary on a bike while raising funds and awareness for rare cancer research. The one thing that first gave my life purpose back in February. It was the most poetic way I could imagine spending George and my wedding anniversary.

10690080_685294978228734_1519184977747720339_nIMG_7729IMG_7751A week later I competed in my first triathlon with my good friend and work colleague. I finished second in my age group. But most importantly, I set a goal to finish under 3 hours, and I did. As I crossed the finish line, never did I think I would do a triathlon in less than a year after George passed, and I most certainly never thought I would actually enjoy every second of it!

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After the completion of the triathlon, my buddy and I decided to start training for a half marathon. I talked about wanting to do a half marathon when George was alive but never had the discipline or drive to train for one. But during the triathlon training, I realized the long runs, the biking helped me sort through my woes, grief, and strengthened me more than physically. I was becoming an entirely different person. Something I hoped for during my darkest days. I remember thinking I would love to be someone other than me in those first few weeks of widowhood. But now I had become someone that wasn’t me. I was a better version of myself. I was a person I know George would be so proud of, and when he catches glimpses of my accomplishments he knows that I’m a survivor. That I am strong and that I will flourish and thrive.

I did my first half marathon 2 days before George’s death anniversary, and then I did my second half marathon the day before George’s funeral anniversary. I’m still in disbelief that all this has been accomplished in just a year!

I talked about running a half marathon when he was alive, but never did. So doing the Philly Half Marathon was one of the most satisfying and euphoric days.

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You want to know what the greatest transformation is out of all of this? Yes, the physical transformation is apparent, but the emotional and mental one is what I reflect on the most. I remember so vividly how miserable I was a year ago at this time. I remember the hurt and the unforgiving jaws of grief. And today, I look back and holy shit, I cannot believe how far I’ve come. I have changed my ENTIRE life in a year. I did not allow his death to define who I am, instead I allowed his death to reshape me and push me forward to be better. To be the best person I can be. And I wish he was here to see this, but I’m also aware that if he were here, these changes would not exist. 2014, you started off as the most miserable year of my life, but ended as one of the most fulfilling. I’m going to obliterate 2015.

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Thanksgiving 2012

December 2013

December 2013

December 2014

December 2014

Cry Day

Ever since George’s birthday I’ve been in an emotional rut. I usually experience highs and lows, but lately I’ve been experience lows and lowers. This canopy of sadness that lurks behind me hasn’t been so prominent since the immediate months after George died. Arguably, I’m entering 8 months out next Saturday and this is still considered the raw and early stages of grief, but I truly have felt like I’ve been in a good place. But all of a sudden I’m on the cusp of crying constantly.

On Wednesday (yesterday), my friends and I declared it a cry day and we watched shows and movies to inspire a well needed cry. I accepted cry day and wanted it. The problem came when I realized I am so uncomfortable crying in front of people. It’s been a problem of mine since I was young. We watched the tribute episode of Glee, then the final episode of Dawson’s Creek where Joey finally decides on Pacey or Dawson, and then we followed up with a trip to the movies to watch A Fault in our Stars, and to round the days events we finished with Hachi: A Dog’s Tale. I lost my mind during Hachi. It’s such a sweet and sad movie. If you want a good cry, watch it. I think I was the winner of cry day because I cried while watching everything. Hell, I was already crying before they got there. But having the comradery around me did feel good. I wish cry day did what it needed to do but it didn’t.

Today I got my evaluation at work, and admittedly it didn’t make me feel better or worse. I went into it feeling blah and I left feeling blah. Afterwards I went and did an outdoor workout, which usually does the trick of making me feel better, but it didn’t. I was numb. Even when I went to SoulCycle tonight, I was numb and that ALWAYS makes me feel better. But something is going on with me and I’m not sure what it is. This is one of those times if someone tells me how strong I am, I will break in two. I feel so weak and have this uncertainty of what meandering emotions will bubble to the surface. And the only hypotheses I have  on what’s going on is this must be the prequel to my period or I’m entering a new stage of grief. With all my might, I hope it’s the former.

Feeling a bit off balance

Feeling a bit off balance

Stop and realize

When George and I started dating I was just moving back home to Connecticut after living 2 years in Pennsylvania. He was working and living in NYC and my move to CT made it the perfect storm for us to become involved with one another. Just a train ride away. He must have really loved me because he was 41 at the time and I was 23 and living at home in CT with my parents… I always thought it was incredibly awkward but funny that he was going to his girlfriend’s parents house for the weekend in his 40’s. But he was an amazing sport about it all.

Some of my graduate school friends have been reaching out to me lately about how amazing our love story is. They really saw it from the beginning and had first row seats to see it blossom and flourish. I knew it was special. I’ve always known because arguably it was “love at first sight.” I would come home from graduate school and talk about George to my parents and I was just so smitten from the get go. Which is strange to think about because I was in a relationship at the time with someone who wasn’t George and he was in one with another woman too. But when we got together it was like a locomotive without breaks. We flew and it was amazing the entire time. My ultimate concern is do love like these only come once in a lifetime? Will I be able to find it again? I don’t know. I just go-go-go with my days and if something great happens, awesome. If it doesn’t, well maybe tomorrow it will. Widowhood can lead to a  precarious livelihood. I’m learning it more and more as I descend this journey. As a wid friend put it, it’s a continuous balancing act from day to day. We have emotional extremes.

George made me a better person when we were together. It was apparent in my attitude toward life and everything. Even in his death I believe he continues to allow me to grow, mature and improve myself. I try to live my life to make him proud, but I do have moments where I’m not okay with my decisions. But I don’t dwell, I learn from them. I know he would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest. Like he did.

Okay, I’m not going to stretch this out too much. Basically, I have to learn to love myself and in order to I needed to start taking care of myself. Here’s a side-by-side picture from February to today. All my friends probably are sick of seeing this, but I didn’t realize how drastic of a change it was. George would need a double take of me and then probably tell me my arms are too muscular. But that’s okay, I love it and I am proud. I want to continue to improve and strengthen my soul, body and mind.

SoulCycle + cross training + running + lifting = Boom, transformation.

SoulCycle + cross training + running + lifting = Boom, transformation.

Strength in your heart

This morning I went to my usual morning SoulCycle class with my one of my favorite instructors, Erika, leading the class. I needed some major reflection after the weekend I had and the one thing I love about her classes is she pushes you hard but continues to reaffirm the “digging deep” is for a greater purpose. I like how it’s vague because it leaves room for interpretation because for some it can be to better their fitness, for others to balance themselves out, but for me I needed to hear the encouragement. I was emotionally detached/numb for most the weekend after spreading George’s ashes.

At one point on the bike today she asked us to put our hands on our hearts and take a moment to feel it beating. This is something that’s somewhat mundane at the end of classes, but for some reason today it was a trigger. Tears welled in my eyes as I felt my chest perpetually thump against my hand. Then I remember laying next to George in the hospital beds, watching tv and listening to his heart drum against my ear. Because of the IVs, I had to lay on his left side so I didn’t pull them out on accident or interfere with the nurses coming in to hook him up. Often times we would fall asleep holding each other and the metronome of his heart would be my white noise.

His heart wasn’t as strong though. If it was, he’d still be here and I wouldn’t have this blog. After class I couldn’t stop thinking about my heart and what I’ve done. Having George die is easily the hardest thing I’ll have to go through in my life. He gave me confidence and brought me so much happiness, and without him I lost both those things. So I had to learn how to do it myself and during the process I was introduced to SoulCycle, which certainly helped get the ball rolling. With this “new chapter,” I’m doing what brings me happiness and trying to better myself. I’m trying to strengthen myself physically and emotionally. I’m a work in progress.

After I spread George’s ashes, I was so defeated and sad. I reached out to my friend, Larry, who works as a personal trainer at Definitions and he said he would make a workout for me. With workouts it allows me to become disassociated from what lingers on in my mind on a daily basis and forces me to live in the here and now. Whatever the task is at hand, whether it’s lifting a heavy object and putting it down or swinging a weight, I have to be focused on it and what I’m doing. Cause if I’m not, I’d get hurt. It’s become imperative that I squeeze a workout in everyday.

I knew scattering the ashes was going to be hard, so I asked him to break me with a workout. And he did. It was long and brutal, and I’m still sore from it. Many times through it I thought I couldn’t do it because it was so tough and my muscles were screaming with hot pain, but he didn’t let me give up. He told me to get it done cause the other option of not doing it wasn’t acceptable. So I pushed through. And afterwards I was looking up at him as he was helping me stretch out and he asked if I liked it. I started crying. He broke me, but not in a bad way; I felt good. He also bought me a tropical smoothie afterwards, which ratified his status of the best personal trainer in NYC. Notorized and approved on 7/3/2014.

There’s a sense of accomplishment to overcome what you think would and could destroy you. When I have bad days, my brain can go into dark places. But sometimes I just need to feel my heart and remember there’s something greater out there waiting for me. I just have to find my way out of the grief maze.

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My first date

For most of the Spring semester– for those of you not on school calendars, that’s late January to May– I went out with friends to pubs and bars. For awhile I was perfectly content with the platonic relationships but as the weather warmed up, so did my feelings and I wanted to start going out with people who would actually pay for my drinks and meals. Oh and someone who was actually romantically interested in me.

This would be a good time to note that I really had a strong desire to find someone who would be attracted to me. Little did I realize that I actually needed to reciprocate. One of those minor details that got lost in all of this hoopla.

A couple things arose from my new thirst for wanting to be wanted. First, I have the WORST game ever. I guess not everyone loves a deadpan personality. Who knew? Second, I have TERRIBLE social skills. Again, might go back to the resting not-interested face I apparently have glued on.

Eventually I was able to get a date with a well adjusted guy. I was so excited for my first date, but it was at a local bar, so it was pretty casual. A tshirt and jeans kind of affair. It was towards the tail end of lacrosse season (around beginning of May I believe). I remember telling my players I was going on my first date and they were extremely excited for me but also confused. For most the season they thought I was dating my friend who came to our games, hung out at our tailgates and would come over frequently to my apartment for dinner. Although it walked and sounded like a duck, it was strictly because I had Hulu Plus and happened to be a good cook too. And misery loves company.

During lacrosse season I pretty much live in sweatshirts and sweatpants so to finally get to go out not wearing something that read Drew Lacrosse was invigorating. Plus I had lost a ton of weight from SoulCycle and was ready to give the world another chance. I walked to the bar, and met my date and he was very soft spoken. Not what I remembered him as. Maybe he was nervous. As the date continued on, the awkward silences were frequent and it turned out that he wasn’t nervous at all. He was just an engineer, and lacrosse coaches and engineers don’t go together well; like Peanut butter and pizza. Good separately but shouldn’t be paired together. Even the waiter noticed the lack of chemistry and came over to talk about the specials and game night for way too long.

Finally he asked how long my last relationship was and I said almost 5 years. Of course the follow up was, “what happened?”

Well you see, so-and-so, my husband died. Oh did I forget to mention I was married?

Awkward silence for a minute or so. Finally he asked for the check. I offered to chip in, just to be nice and he quickly asked me to cover the tip. I obliged and dropped a $5 bill on the table. As we were walking out, he told me he had a great time and that I was easy to talk to. Are you serious? You were the other person across from the table right who sat there quietly as I yammered about my lacrosse season and SoulCycle, right? Outside the bar, we chit chatted a little bit about going out again soon and he reached in for a hug, and as I began to pull back from the hug he went in for a kiss. I quickly turned my head, wiggled out and said I’ll see him again soon then scurried the other direction.

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Resting not-interested face

I have not spoken to him since. It was a good first date to get my sea legs back, because I realized that dating post-George is going to be a pain in the ass and I’d have amazing stories from it all.

Accomplishments

So 6 months ago, my life became very lonely and uncertain. Arguably it still is. The uncertainty of what my emotions and reactions still increasingly concerns me. Hence crippling anxiety, although it’s been better in the recent days. Last night I started thinking back about the past several months and was reading another widows cries for how she hasn’t been able to get her life back on track since her husband died in 2012. Sigh… I think my life is on some kind of track, but reading her grievances has me concerned that the worst has yet to come.

I do think a large part of the grieving process is to occupy your mind. To keep busy, so the claws don’t drag you back into a hole to leave you mangled and gasping for air. Here’s some of the things I’ve been able to do through the cloud of grief over the last 6 months.

  • Raised over $11,000 for Cycle for Survival to honor and ride for my beloved George
  • Attended a wedding
  • Travelled to California
  • Coached in a lacrosse recruiting showcase
  • Participated and attended the Super Bowl halftime show
  • Taught Circuit Training
  • Coached my lacrosse program to a 11-7 record
  • Discovered and continue to do SoulCycle
  • Lost over 5% body fat
  • Started Dating
  • Did 8 Polar Bear Swims
  • Attended a Broadway Musical
  • Attended a Basketball Game at Madison Square Garden
  • Attended two Big East Baseball Games
  • Watched one of my players be honored as NJ Female Athlete of the Year
  • Attended events at the National Arts Club
  • Moved to a new apartment
  • Started playing tennis regularly
  • Made new friends

These are just some of the thing I could think of right now. I know so much of it seems mundane, but grief is brutal. I’m in a good sense of mind right now, but by 2p I could be sitting in my office crying, that’s just the way it works. In December I would go into the office and just close my door, do work and cry. Now I’m outside playing basketball and tennis regularly with other coaches. I loved my old life. I wanted to spend a lifetime with George. But now I have a lifetime I HAVE TO LIVE without him. And I want to make sure that I’m actually living. I know that’s what he would want. He would want me to enjoy every day, even when I make bad decisions. Which does happen and I’ve omitted them off my list… Maybe they’re for another post.

I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. It really does feel like years ago was the last time I saw him.Image

Transformation Tuesday

My grief today has been pretty bad. I feel like I have been on the cusp of crying since I woke up. All day I’ve been fighting it. Once again my team was there to ease my mind and show me love. I told them at the beginning of practice my grief had been bad and they worked hard, were lighthearted, and made me laugh. I am lucky to have these girls in my life. I wish every widow has a team like I do. They’re truly the best.

After practice I went to SoulCycle and after class I was feeling low, but once I got home I felt a lot better. Usually coming home to an empty apartment is troublesome, but tonight it was what I needed. Strange how that works out. Coming home doesn’t have the same appeal as it once did, but sometimes being alone is what needs to be had to soothe the soul.

Ive talked about SoulCycle I few times… Yes it helps my soul but recently I’ve been thinking more about mind, body and soul. Thoughts, behavior and feelings. My thoughts have been positive, I think, my behavior erratic and my feelings up and down. But with SoulCycle all three are equal parts and it brings me peace. If you’re in te metro NYC or Boston area, you should really consider it. Along with mentally helping me, I can’t deny the physical changes too. I’m starting to lose my widow weight.

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Soul Story

Well my soul story came out last Tuesday. If you’re interested in seeing how I’m dealing with grief on a daily basis, check out the link:

Soul Story: Julia Steier

I think this is the first time I’ve used my last name on the blog… well I don’t think it’s hard to discover my identity so I don’t really care. We lost a game today by 1 goal. The thing that really grinds my gears is the background leading up to this game. I think there was a lot of sly digs that happened prior to gametime, and personally if another coach or players are trying to get into my head or my players heads, they have NO IDEA the strength that my team has. I’ll leave it at that.

Sometimes I really stop to think about my situation. I’m in charge of running a college lacrosse program. I have to be responsible for myself and 20 other girls. I get a lot of times from people, “I don’t know how you do it,” but honestly, how else am I supposed to do it? George knew how much I love lacrosse, and I know that if I wasn’t doing what I love he would feel horrible. I know he wants me to be happy, so if I wasn’t trying to make myself happy he would feel horrible. Why would I want to live my life without him knowing that he would feel horrible if I was missing out and miserable? So I go. Life doesn’t end with him. I must keep on going, regardless of the circumstance. I have to make myself a better person to honor him. I need to be happy so I can rest knowing he would be happy too.

He looks upon me in some weird way, and when he catches glimpses of me, I want him to be proud that I was his and he was mine.

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