UPS package waiting

DSCN0994My eyes are starting to open wider and see the gloom that he is gone. He will not be physically returning to me. This week has been particularly difficult because each day I seem to fall further into grief. I’m crying more and harder when I’m alone. I still put the brave face on when I’m at work, but there’s those moments when a deep dark upchuck of grief happens and I have to close my door to hide in my misery. It’s become more of the same, and less and less coaches are tip toeing around it. It’s a lesson to many of them that this is grief in its finest form.

I met with my bereavement counselor today and that was a breath of fresh air. Although she says chamomile like camo-mile, but I can look pass her faults. She’s such a nice woman, and she always reminds me that, although it’s a terrible group to be a part of, I’m in an exclusive club of young widows under 30 years old. I’d like to refund my membership please.

Without revealing too much of what today’s session was about, she was comforting with all the feelings that are starting to bubble up are “normal.” Watching someone die of liver failure is traumatic and even more so when you just returned from your honeymoon the month before and all of a sudden your life changes. I told her I’m still blogging and she commended me on that, but also mentioned I should keep a gratitude journal as well. I think I’ll do that, but not on wordpress. I don’t think people need to read about my delicious salad bowl from chipotle that my assistant got me for lunch.

After I saw her, I went home and upon getting home I received notice that I had a package waiting for me. I went to get the package and immediately saw there was target tape on it. It is a wedding gift.

When I open the package, there were three smaller packages inside: a bamboo cutting board, flower urn, and shoe rack. The stitches that were loosely holding my heart together after meeting with my counselor ripped open, seam by seam. It was sent from one of George’s good friends, and I KNOW THE INTENTIONS ARE GOOD. But, all I can really respond with is- really?

Tomorrow I get the keys to my new apartment. It’s time.

Okay, time for a writing prompt:

Dear George,

What I want you to know about me is I was always honest and loyal to you. You had my heart from when I first saw you. I tried to hide it, but as you noticed I would always act differently around you then anyone else. When we started dating, I was inexperienced with love, and didn’t know what was happening, and when you first said “I love you,” I couldn’t believe it so instead I got angry. I loved you, but didn’t trust you. And it was because I wasn’t honest with myself. As I opened up to you- and fell madly in love- you brought the best out of me. Anything in the world, I could talk to you about it. If something was bothering me, I never was embarrassed to talk to you. Even when there was the mishap in New Mexico; you still lovingly gazed into my eyes and said, we’ll pretend it never happened. And through everything in our time together, my loyalty to you runs deep. Even now. And I’m not sure if you knew or felt that, but I want you to know. You protected me when we were together and I hope you’ll do the same now.

It’s not getting easier

It seems the weather outside seems as fickle as I am. Yesterday it was 45 degrees and this afternoon, when I woke up… it was 8 degrees. I’ve been having serious insomnia problems. Hence why most of my posts are at 2:30a. I’m committed today to going to bed at midnight. I have to wake up early tomorrow and get breakfast for my assistant and me. My assistant has been amazing throughout this whole thing. From the moment George’s health started to spiral downward in the Spring to when I found out he was terminal in September to when I had to miss work for 2 weeks due to hospice and his death. She’s been a champ and I couldn’t have asked for a better assistant to support me.

I was crying a lot today. My sadness was crippling. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything until about 8pm today when I finally started cooking. Cooking does help me feel better. I don’t think I’ve ever been as sad as today. My dog was just looking at me, and when I looked at him I wept saying, “He’s never coming home.” I want the shock back. With the gradual fog lifting, this is too painful to endure. So with so much sadness, I decided it was time to revisit the grief journal. I did the first two writing prompts in my grief journal and now I’m going to do the third. This one is brutal.

Dear George,

What you never understood is how important you are/were in helping me grow up. We met when I was only 22 and just months out of college. I had never been more than 15 minutes from home and after college, living in Wilkes Barre was hard and I needed a friend like you. The moment I saw you walk into the classroom, I was smitten. I would talk to my parents and tell them about the man from Atlanta. I looked forward to seeing you whenever the Wilkes University residencies came. You were a light in the darkness during that time. When we started dating, I disliked who I had become and when you would tell me how beautiful I was, I never believed it. And it was because I didn’t love myself and couldn’t fathom why anyone could love me. But you did. You made me a complete person. And when I was complete I became happy, and it changed my attitude about life. Your love was so powerful and I don’t think you ever realized how much you impacted me. You helped me become a better and more understanding person. Having you in my life made me the happiest I’ve ever been. And now without you, I’ve never been this depressed and lonely. Your love meant everything to me.

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Duel site

Last night I was finally at peace. My head was resting on George’s shoulder as he was typing away on his computer. He was putting the finishing touches on his script, and I kept reaching over trying to fold his computer, and get him to turn the lights off and go to sleep. He was playfully pushing my hand away, and said “I have until midnight to finish.” My warmth, and full heart was quickly shattered by my apartment’s fire alarm. My mind was mendacious and brought me hope. This sliver of hope was a horrid disappointment when I woke up shivering and my head was resting on George’s empty pillow and my right arm stretched over to where he would usually be. Devastation doesn’t even begin to describe it. I felt like I had entered Armageddon. The fury that surged through my body that moment I realized I was alone, can only be like someone who’s extremely dehydrated and they think they find a well to only realize it’s been filled in with cement. I’ve had emotional pain, but this was the first time it actually caused physical. My chest was aching and my limbs trembling. I wanted that dream to be my reality so badly.

As more days come in-between the last time I was with him, I’m starting to think more and more about how going on without him will become more challenging. Life does go on, and I accept that. But he was my life. We were beginning to build our lives together. We were supposed to get into irrational arguments and then make up over cups of tea while watching Modern Family. We were supposed to go to the dog park together and watch our fur-child play with other mongrels.  He was supposed to drag me out to concerts and plays to expand my mind, and I was supposed to drag him to basketball and lacrosse games to expand his manliness. We were supposed to travel to LA for the holidays. We were supposed to continue enjoying our time together, because every moment was blissful.

I know I’m supposed to not dwell on the time I’m losing by losing him but cherish the memories we had together, but some days I can cope with it better than others. My mind, body and emotions are capricious and difficult to sort through. Today is one of them.

On my way to work, I was a mess, but I started thinking about his first birthday we spent together. It brought me happiness to think about it. His birthday is on July 12th. For any American history fans, this is the same day of the infamous Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton duel in Weehawken, NJ in 1804. George knew I loved Aaron Burr, so he planned for us to go visit the duel site. We took the ferry over to Weehawken, and it was a gorgeous summer day. Sun was bright, the clouds looked like they were painted in the sky, and the air was not too thick with humidity. When we got to Weehawken, the dock was below a massive cliff and I remembered that the duel site was on top of the cliff. So we immediately started scaling these steep staircases to get to the top. When we got to the top of the cliff there’s a bust of Alexander Hamilton indicating it was the duel site, and when we took a picture, the face of Hamilton was crying. But off in the distance was a wedding. Looking back at that day, I do think it was a little foretelling. With complete joy, the shadow of anguish lurks.DSCN0684

Dear George, I’ve always wanted to tell you that, you’re the greatest man I’ve ever met and you brought the best out of me. You made me the happiest woman in the world, and seeing your face when I got off the train at Grand Central stirred up feelings I never knew I had. Moving in with you was the second best day of my life, but marrying you was hands down the best day and best decision I ever made.

I’m too emotional to continue. I’m sorry. 2 pictures today

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Face to face

Today marks 4 weeks since George died. Although the days seem to be inching along, 4 weeks feel like it’s been only 4 days. When I close my eyes, I can still see George laying on the hospital bed in my living room. I can see his face turned toward the right side, with his Kiss shirt pulled up over his belly button. I still remember how he looked in his final days rather than how he looked at his healthiest. It tears me up inside that I can’t remember him at his best. That’s why I keep posting pictures at the end of these blogs of when he was happiest and “healthiest.” I hope the more I look at those pictures, it will overpower the gruesome ones.

Today was a monumental day in understanding my grief and carousel of emotions. I’ve read about what it means to be grieving but I was really looking forward to speaking with a professional bereavement counselor. Although, when I first walked into her office I could see her smile drop for a second when her eyes met mine and she saw how young I am. Age was a big discussion in our meeting today, because ultimately I’m going to feel the sorrow of this loss for the rest of my life. Just over time it won’t be as raw and my body will learn to deal with the pain.

We talked a lot about my concerns, now and then, and what George’s concerns about dying and being sick. I’m not going to go into it so much on this post because I think overtime these things will reveal themselves. But my immediate concerns do have to deal with my lacrosse team, and meeting my niece in 5 days. Today is her 2 month birthday and well, that’s a whole other bag. I’m sure if you think long and hard about new life and death you can understand my trepidations about meeting her at this time.

One things I’m really looking forward to exploring is some writing prompts I received from my counselor about starting to come face to face with my emotions. It’s supposed to help me sift through my thoughts, and hopefully be a catalyst in finding clarity, understanding, and eventual peace. So let’s have at it:

Dear George, I miss how you would roll over on your side in the morning to grab me and hold me tight. The warmth of your body and the cadence of breathing in my ear made me feel safe and secure. I miss how you would point at your cheek whenever you wanted a kiss. You never were short of expressing your love and I never hesitated to reciprocate. Even if I was grumpy, you would just point to you cheek and I knew that you were always sweeter than sugar. You showed me there’s always light in everything. I miss how you always demanded to cuddle, just because every day was a good day for a cuddle session. It was just you, me and Bodie, but we never doubted that we were a family. We fit perfectly together, and from our first date we knew we were made for one another. You brought excitement to everything and anything, no matter how boring it was. Even waiting in the airport on a 6 hour delay became a tolerable adventure. I miss how you had the biggest bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, and I loved how you looked at me with them.

There’s so much that I miss. This will be a prompt that I come back to.

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