New nightmares

Lately Ive been having nightmares. Not the kind where you desperately want to wake up from but the kind where you are so disoriented once you do wake up. They leave me upset and confused, and are really pulling at a string that is in the back of my mind.

Im approaching the 1 year mark, and I really miss George. I’ve always missed him, but as of lately when I wake up from these strange dreams and when I get home from work I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him and tell him everything that’s been going on for the last year. As I write this I can picture the excitement in his eyes and his enthusiasm about my accomplishments. He would tell me something funny that happened to him at work or the terrible music his spin instructor played. I just really miss the uneventful moments we used to have. Those seemed like the best moments now that they’re gone.

But back to the dreams. So in my life I’ve had reoccurring dreams. Usually involving a car accident. I haven’t had one of those recently. But lately I have them where I see George and he doesn’t recognize me. I’ll go out and he’ll be at the field or the house and he just wouldn’t know who I am. It really freaks me out. I do not look how I used to. But I know if he were alive he would be so proud of me and be happy that I’m becoming healthier. But without the reassurance I fear that he will not remember me.

During this grief journey I wanted to become someone different. But now that I have, am I afraid of letting go? Another wid asked me this a couple weeks ago and I arrogantly said I have let go. But maybe I’m just hiding and my mind is reminding me. I don’t know. People say those who pass watch over you, sometimes I feel him. When I ran across the Golden Gate Bridge I did. When I go into NYC I feel him sometimes. This grief stuff is really kicking my ass. The lead up to this one year mark has been playing my nerves like a fiddle. I’m cracking as the days crawl closer.

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Super Bowl and moving on

So many Americans really take the time to plan out their evenings the night of the Super Bowl. Stacking their fridges with beer, and making sure there’s mountains of chips, dips, wings and pizza. Anything that screams comfort foods, basically. Well this Sunday my plans have been made for me; I’m going to the Super Bowl.

It was a slow leak that suddenly opened up today once our communications office at school found out. My lacrosse team was selected to participate in the half time show. That’s really all I can say until after the Super Bowl. But when my team was selected, I couldn’t help but think there was some divine intervention. It was too good to be true. Any time I get asked about the Super Bowl, it’s a weird mixture of feelings. I’m so excited to go, because it’s a once in a life time opportunity and I’m happy to share it with my team this year, but I also wish I could share my excitement with George. When I was driving home one day, I just wanted to pick up my phone and call him. Tell him everything that’s happening, tell him the funny and bizarre things that go on, which I know he would appreciate.

Today marks 2 months and 6 days since he died. We were married for only 2 months and 6 days. Tomorrow, if I wear my rings will mean I was wearing them longer than we actually were calling each other husband and wife. I’m lost with this. I love my rings. They’re my favorite jewelry that I wear. I had this dream last night that blew my mind. It had to do with my wedding ring. So I was in grand central or some sort of public area and a man was showing me attention and I was really enjoying it. I then said I couldn’t do anything more because I’m married. I then got up and George came up to me and said “why don’t you just put your rings away? I started doing it.” And I was crushed. CRUSHED. I don’t really remember what happened afterwards, because it was one of those dreams where as you begin to awake it disappears. The only reason why I remember that part was because someone brought up wedding rings this morning and it triggered that scene back. 

I might go without my rings tomorrow to see how I feel… But I just love them so much. Do I need to put the rings away in order to move on? I mean I’m gaining all these new experiences without George, so why should I hang on to that then?

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Meaning of a dream

So for years I’ve had reoccurring dreams of being in a car accident. I would always recite to George these dreams as they came, and in a dramatic fashion scowl that I would die in a horrific car accident. Well last night I had another one of these dreams in a car accident and this time, I was just crying in the dream. I wonder if I was crying in my sleep… But this car accident was much different than the previous ones.

In the dreams prior to this one, I would always be in a rush to pick George up from the train station. In my rush, I would be driving so fast and would eventually take a wrong turn and drive my car off the highway (like the highway was actually a ramp) and would be plummeting into water or into another freeway hundreds of feet down.

Last nights dreams was weird, because I again was rushed but instead of driving off the highway I just crashed into a bunch of things and started crying in my car. In my dream I realized George wasn’t around and when I got a mystery bill to fix my car, it was $8,889 and I kept saying I couldn’t afford that. I have no idea what this could possibly mean, but it made me think if all these dreams are some how connected. I have been extremely stressed out with tying up George unsettled bills so I think that’s where the money comes into play. With driving off cliffs, I wonder if it was a foreshadow of what was to come and I was too self-centered to ever see the bigger picture, and now I am continually falling and at some point the crash is going to come. I just don’t know when.

Another weird thing happened today with dealing with a dream. There was a situation in my dream and when I went to see Wolf of Wall Street tonight they talked about the situation… It was NOT IN ANY OF THE TRAILERS or PREVIEWS. Nor did I ever read the story of Jordan Bellfort. So eerie, kind of like the rocking chair story from a few days ago. I think George was with me in the movie theatre tonight. I was supposed to go see that movie. Martin Scorsese films aren’t really to my taste, but my friend said it was getting the best reviews and I was just really excited to get out of the house. The way things play out in dreams, it just really makes me wonder if there’s a deeper meaning to them all.

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Summoned to the rocking chair

I don’t usually like doing more than 1 post in a day, but this is notable.

So when I decided to go do yoga, I did it in my parent’s sun room. My mom uses the sun room to paint a lot of times, so there wasn’t a whole lot of space on the table. I moved her drawing book off a stool I set my lap top up on it, and proceeded to move the rocking chair to the side for more room on the carpet. The second I touched it, there was a plume of deja vu. The rocking chair I moved was had a thick chestnut colored base and had a tan woven back and seat. It was the EXACT rocking chair that was in my dream last night. I’ve been having a lot of trouble remembering my dreams lately, but when I moved it I remembered in part of my dream there was a rocking chair and I was rearranging a room.

Toward the last 4 minutes of my yoga/recovery video, I really started to feel a release and I got emotional. Like something was being pulled out of me each time I contracted and released my breath. Maybe I dreamt that rocking chair because George was waiting for me to be next to him in the sun room tonight. We used to do workout videos together, and laugh about our flaws and inflexibility. We always joked that if we were to have children, they would be flexibility challenged. Once I finished the video and had my moment, I felt accomplished and at peace. Was this a sign? I hope so. I really want to feel him.

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Duel site

Last night I was finally at peace. My head was resting on George’s shoulder as he was typing away on his computer. He was putting the finishing touches on his script, and I kept reaching over trying to fold his computer, and get him to turn the lights off and go to sleep. He was playfully pushing my hand away, and said “I have until midnight to finish.” My warmth, and full heart was quickly shattered by my apartment’s fire alarm. My mind was mendacious and brought me hope. This sliver of hope was a horrid disappointment when I woke up shivering and my head was resting on George’s empty pillow and my right arm stretched over to where he would usually be. Devastation doesn’t even begin to describe it. I felt like I had entered Armageddon. The fury that surged through my body that moment I realized I was alone, can only be like someone who’s extremely dehydrated and they think they find a well to only realize it’s been filled in with cement. I’ve had emotional pain, but this was the first time it actually caused physical. My chest was aching and my limbs trembling. I wanted that dream to be my reality so badly.

As more days come in-between the last time I was with him, I’m starting to think more and more about how going on without him will become more challenging. Life does go on, and I accept that. But he was my life. We were beginning to build our lives together. We were supposed to get into irrational arguments and then make up over cups of tea while watching Modern Family. We were supposed to go to the dog park together and watch our fur-child play with other mongrels.  He was supposed to drag me out to concerts and plays to expand my mind, and I was supposed to drag him to basketball and lacrosse games to expand his manliness. We were supposed to travel to LA for the holidays. We were supposed to continue enjoying our time together, because every moment was blissful.

I know I’m supposed to not dwell on the time I’m losing by losing him but cherish the memories we had together, but some days I can cope with it better than others. My mind, body and emotions are capricious and difficult to sort through. Today is one of them.

On my way to work, I was a mess, but I started thinking about his first birthday we spent together. It brought me happiness to think about it. His birthday is on July 12th. For any American history fans, this is the same day of the infamous Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton duel in Weehawken, NJ in 1804. George knew I loved Aaron Burr, so he planned for us to go visit the duel site. We took the ferry over to Weehawken, and it was a gorgeous summer day. Sun was bright, the clouds looked like they were painted in the sky, and the air was not too thick with humidity. When we got to Weehawken, the dock was below a massive cliff and I remembered that the duel site was on top of the cliff. So we immediately started scaling these steep staircases to get to the top. When we got to the top of the cliff there’s a bust of Alexander Hamilton indicating it was the duel site, and when we took a picture, the face of Hamilton was crying. But off in the distance was a wedding. Looking back at that day, I do think it was a little foretelling. With complete joy, the shadow of anguish lurks.DSCN0684

Dear George, I’ve always wanted to tell you that, you’re the greatest man I’ve ever met and you brought the best out of me. You made me the happiest woman in the world, and seeing your face when I got off the train at Grand Central stirred up feelings I never knew I had. Moving in with you was the second best day of my life, but marrying you was hands down the best day and best decision I ever made.

I’m too emotional to continue. I’m sorry. 2 pictures today

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Return to Dust

All day I felt relatively numb at work. It was like I was in a dream. It might be because George finally made an appearance in my dream. But his presences was so unsettling. He was there with me as we were getting ready for his memorial, and I couldn’t stop crying. But my crying felt like extreme drunkeness. And when I awoke, he was gone and I was laying on my side that would usually be facing him. I miss him more and more each morning. I know so many people have reached out saying to be strong and if I need anything just reach out. But one of my friends didn’t say that to me today. She said, and I’m paraphrasing, breaking down is part of the process before you can be strong again. I really resonated with me. I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but when I’m alone I just crumble. My soul, my heart, my well being just aches. I think when he was cremated last Wednesday, a part of me was too.

I’m getting the ashes this Saturday at the memorial. My love, best friend, confidant, my life for the last 5 years will be handed to me in a tube. I cannot believe he is no longer here, but turned to dust. What’s the saying?: “For you are dust and to dust you shall return.” I cannot stop thinking about receiving my husband in a tube. It’s what he wanted though, and I shouldn’t burden myself whether or not it was the right decision. I have enough to worry about. In less than 3 months, I planned a wedding and now I’m planning a funeral. This is torture. The only thing saving my sanity is continuing to plan the charity I chose on behalf of George. The outpouring of support from all angles is absolutely incredible. George was so loved by many, and I’m happy that so many want to donate and help out with remembering him the way he would see fit. Why are the best ones always taken too early?

I hope he makes another visit tonight as I sleep. This time I hope we’re just holding hands while we walk Bodie in the park.

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