Why Doesn’t My Loss Affect​ Others?

IMG_9845Since about May, I’ve become a little bit more active in the widow community again. I took a significant hiatus off, almost about three months into widowhood to around the 3.5 year mark.

Why?

The widow boards are really depressing, and they make me feel bad about my grief, or why I don’t miss him more.

I also feel judged for pushing forward with my life rather than wiping my tears away with his old dusty sweaters.

When I was newly widowed, using the W card to get out of sticky situations worked. Why did I forget something? Widow brain. Why did I lose my temper? My husband died 4 months ago. But now, I can’t use that excuse. Nor do I ever whip out the widow card. The only time I do is when I’m offered alcohol, and I don’t want to drink. “You know my husband died of liver cancer, right?” No more questions.

Though my loss is a significant turning point in my life, and George’s family’s lives, to my friends, neighbors, boyfriend, coworkers, colleagues, it’s really not that important. And I choose not to emphasize it. Though sometimes something will remind me of George and I will openly say, “Oh, my husband used to…” In my own time, just like I did when I was newly widowed, I grieve in my own time when I’m alone.

Why doesn’t my loss affect others? Why did people stop talking about my husband?

Life pushes forward, whether I want it to or not. And I’m either on this ride, or I’m left behind. My previous life isn’t diminished because I am finding happiness away from him. It’s quite the opposite, I’m fulfilling my life because of the love I have for George. I’m still very much in love with him, and I always will be. When I think about him, or when I look at pictures, it brings me happiness. But here’s the thing, when I look at the pictures of us together, I don’t really see it as me anymore. And it does look like a stranger is with my husband. But that’s growth. That’s development, and the girl who was with George is not me. It was me, but I am different, and his loss has changed me. And I can’t expect others to remain frozen too.

My loss is my W scarred on my heart. The scars are mine to own, and others don’t have the wounds I had to endure. He is one thought away at all time for me. No one has turned their back, but instead, they have allowed me to grow at my own pace and time.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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3 Responses to Why Doesn’t My Loss Affect​ Others?

  1. Thelegend says:

    Good writing. I think everyone takes time off when they loss someone close. But the most important part is not losing who you are. A loss affects. Although everyone may not know of a situation. Everyone has affect from a loss. Still, they would think that if the person was still here they would want you to worry. Sorry to hear that something like this happen to you. By you opening up to others about it will help as well as staying close to family. and faith. Remain strong. Hopeful you have found a peace.

    • J. says:

      Thank you for commenting. I definitely lost who I was, but I built someone new from what was left. I really don’t talk with my husband’s family, just because it is far too difficult for me to, and I feel it would pull me back to a time I’ve worked hard to move forward from. They lost a family member and I recognize that and their grief from losing him. But I also know for me to proceed forward with life, the past must remain frozen. I learned valuable lessons from it, and it gave me strength to find a new route and that’s where I’m going. It might be perceived as selfish, but that’s the way it has worked for me.

      • Thelegend says:

        I finding something like a new route is not selfish. I hopeful this is not hindering making new relationships with other. I think you need be around family. Most people this when married their one unit. When people are really judge as individual first. But great you regain who you where!

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