Returning to Food Writing


I’ve always hated this picture

George and I used to maintain a food blog called George and Julia Eat Manhattan. We also transitioned to George and Julia’s Vegan Underground as we took on a new dietary lifestyle. Today I finished an article highlighting the health benefits of carrots.

It was weird reading about the benefits of carrots to treating cancers. Specifically liver cancers. I love carrots. I eat them often but I remember George didn’t like carrots. He thought they tasted bitter, so when we juiced he wanted sans carrots. As I’m reading all the benefits carrots do to liver I feel a little guilty. Like, I should’ve fucking known this already. I knew carrots has anti-inflammatory properties and help with vision, but I didn’t know vitamin A is converted in the liver.

Is it normal to feel this kind of regret and guilt? I couldn’t save him, his doctors couldn’t save him, so why do I think some carrots could’ve saved him. It’s so nonsensical but damnit. I miss him. When I come back to Connecticut, it’s hard to shake the void. I miss George and coming home sometimes reminds me he’s not here anymore.

I also really miss my boyfriend. He’s deployed right now and I think it’s stirring up some unresolved grief.

I’m really happy to be here in Connecticut though. I love spending time with my parents and hanging around the house. I fall into reclusive behavior when I’m home and don’t really tell anyone when I’m back too often. I guess it’s a force of habit.IMG_4546

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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3 Responses to Returning to Food Writing

  1. 53old says:

    I think the picture is kind of funny. The expressions on your faces are what makes it that way.

    Guilt is, I think, a weird thing. I don’t feel guilty for not being able to save my fiancee.

    It’s on the occasions when I miss her that I feel doubly guilty. One guilt for feeling like I’m cheating on my wife and another guilt for feeling like I’m doing what my fiancee feared the most..that I not go on living my life.

    • J. says:

      I hear you on that. Because you know to live your life but it’s like the shadow of the old life pops up. As I’m learning more and more about nutrition and the effects it has on our bodies, I’m just stuck here thinking whether or not I could’ve done more. But I mean, for 2 and a half years we were vegan to try and do more. So maybe that did buy a bit more time and it’s all I could do. blah. damn grief. needs to go away.

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