The lies

imageMy head has been spinning since returning to Alabama. Luckily I’m heading out of here tomorrow morning to Florida. My grief is in full swing. I’m not sleeping, not eating, exercising excessively and crying uncontrollably. When I walk outside my door I put on a good face. Everyone is complimentary. It seems almost excessive recently, but maybe I’m noticing more. I wake up in a haze and I don’t want to do anything. Days are feeling longer cause of the lack of sleep, and my brain is shriveling.

I do have a good support in place here. There are people I can talk to about what’s going on, but nothing will change the fact that the damage has been done. I feel vulnerable, I cannot believe someone who I loved treated me this way and I cannot wrap my head around the rationality of it all. I say it’s a real mind fuck. I’m burning. A fucking magnificent glow for all to see the spider webs of gloom rain down until I fizzle out and the wind scatters me around.

And then my mind can rest.

Time to paint my pretty face and hide the bags under my eyes so I can pretend I’m not tearing apart inside.


About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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2 Responses to The lies

  1. Sarah says:

    Emotional abuse is very real and very hurtful. I’ve worked with survivors of domestic violence for many years and even been in some violent relationships. But emotional abuse everyone is quick to discount. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I’ve followed you for quite sometime and identified with you in almost everhthing but the one time I felt troubled was when you called his ex mentally ill. It sounds more and more like the two of you experienced similar trauma and she was just trying to reach to you. I don’t know the whole story but you were quick to discount her thoughts because it didn’t best suit you at the time. You are an incredibly strong woman who has been through a lot and I know you will get through this shit far sooner than you realize.

    • J. says:

      I did discount her quickly. You’re right. Though, I still do not feel I can relate to her experiences. This whole experience is very new to me, and I don’t think I’m handling it well to be perfectly honest. It keeps me up at night, I feel like I’m falling into bad habits all over again. He wasn’t physical with me, so no domestic abuse. I’m uncertain about emotional abuse because I felt like we had a very balanced relationship most the time. People have off days but I do think the end and the aftermath of all this has been less than stellar. And it’s not all on him. I haven’t been good to him either in the aftermath.

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