I was called out about the image I portray on this blog. I edit and censor what I want to reveal about my life. There was only one blog post I wrote when I was out of my mind wasted, and that was very early on in the grieving process. I never deleted the post because it was an awakening to me that I needed to take care of myself. I’m foolhardy, and far from ideal but some details of what I do are not for me to wave a flag about.
Im currently back in the labyrinth of grief. I make horrible decisions when I’m here and the reality of it is I don’t rationalize what I do. I do what I do to feel better. I don’t look at long term ramifications but only can see what will happen short term. I hurt myself and I tend to self implode. I’m currently in this mode and I’m looking for outside help. I’m in the process of retrying a grief counselor. I hate feeling out of control and just one word away from crying hysterically. When I feel this out of control, I start to restrict and monitor what I can. It’s not healthy, and I’m aware of it. But in the short term it allows me to feel I have control over something. I don’t like to use alcohol to resolve my emotions so if dietary restriction and exercise is how I do it and it helps me heal, I will continue to do it. At a point I don’t feel good I will stop and find another means. I did somethings the last couple weeks Im not thrilled about but they’re my mistakes to make and mine to learn from. My emotions are uneasy, my fuse is short and when I crash and burn, everything incinerates until it’s time to build back up and push forward.