So this single life thing is pretty awesome. Especially when my head is in the right place, and I know exactly what I want. Coming back home to Connecticut has been a great mental health break and shined a lot of light on what I need out of life. I find myself sleeping soundly, my stress and anxiety has reduced tremendously. Since being back here I’ve reconnected with some friends from high school and caught up with some of my teammates from college. Granted my liver is working overdrive since coming home, but it’s all in good clean fun.
For so long I’ve been retreating into myself for so long and this trip was one of the rare occasions I said I needed help. I’ve been going out with my oldest brother and just opening up to him about life, relationships, and why I came home for these 5 days. I truly do not feel as angry as I did a few weeks back, and don’t feel like I have this invisible malevolence following closely behind me. Grief is tricky creature because it’s not depression and it’s not about being sad. There’s something else a part of it that frightens me and shakes me like a broken toy. Something so deep and covered on the surface of “oh I don’t want to be alone,” and “why me?” but there’s something else and I can’t place my finger on what it is. But it controls me like a puppeteer. And knowing I was slipping back into the depth of grief, I had to reach out and I needed help. A crutch back to reality and what is most important. And I feel like I’m moving back on track and in the right direction. And I’m learning it’s okay to admit when you’re at your weakest point. Connecticut is my safety net. The people here are my pillars and support structures. And I try to climb to the highest point, and when I lose my grip, I’m blessed to have so many reach their arms out to push me back up again.
Im continuing to grow as a person. And being by myself for this time has showed me a lot about people, and what my needs are.