A wave of gladness

imageI woke up today, feeling recharged. Fresh. Something deep down fluttered in my veins and I felt new and stronger. I taught spin in the morning and challenged the riders to push themselves to a limit where they’ll come out a better version of themselves today than yesterday. I know I did despite injury. The feeling of liberation snuggled me tightly throughout the day.

I remember early in the grieving process I would get these moments of invincibilty so I’m sure today could be associated with the grief of a fail relationship. But I embraced this feeling of strength. I could feel my heart swell and the fibers intensify as I carried on. The widow boards are spot on when they talk about the first failed relationship and how dealing with another loss triggers grief. I know how to love, I know how to function in a relationship, but not everyone does, or shows it the same ways, or at all. And it’s not my job or task to teach. I feel stronger today than yesterday I gave the best version of myself to the world today. And I’m proud of myself for that.

My HS and college friend Aaron called me this afternoon to catch up. It felt great hearing his voice, talking to him and just knowing how many people in this world genuinely care about your wellbeing no matter place, time or distance. Another one of my friends who has stuck by me through thick and thin also reached out and we set up a hang out date for when I return to the Northeast later this week. I’m a lucky person. I have great friends, solid support system, good health, and for the most part people like me. Sometimes that can be overshadowed with things going wrong, and to look through the piles of bullshit that gets slung around, but to push it aside and make something worthwhile afterwards really does show character. It’s so easy to go negative and I’m glad today I was able to stay positive, feel stronger than before, and to make a good healthy decision on the next forward direction I go.

i love this Jack Kerouac quote.

“You’ll be sorry some day. Why don’t you ever understand what I’m trying to tell you: it’s with your six senses that you’re fooled into believing not only that you have six senses, but that you contact an actual outside world with them. If it wasn’t for your eyes, you wouldn’t see me. If it wasn’t for your ears, you wouldn’t hear that airplane. If it wasn’t for your nose, you wouldn’t smell the midnight mint. If it wasn’t for your tongue taster, you wouldn’t taste the difference be-tween A and B. If it wasn’t for your body, you wouldn’t feel Princess. There is no me, no airplane, no mind, no Princess, no nothing, you for krissakes do you want to go on being fooled every damn minute of your life?”

Not now and not again

 

 

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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3 Responses to A wave of gladness

  1. 53old says:

    I’m glad you’re feeling better about things.

  2. Brief and insightful. You are the man!

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