Not today

Last night was horrific. I couldn’t control my mind, my emotions, all of it was building and then the worst thing that could’ve happened happened. I was running to first base in my kickball league and my left hamstring seized. It felt like someone had thrown a stone at me in midstride. I got to the base and looked at one of my teammates and he asked if I was okay. It felt like someone was jamming a massive rock just underneath my left butt cheek and was trying to forcibly make stay. I felt warm tears well and I shook my head. “I need to come out.” I told him.

I sat on the ground wincing. I’ve never had a pull this bad. I run 10 miles a day, do two spin classes a day here and there, I can do a 6 mile run and teach a spin class and go to pure barre afterwards, but I can’t run 90 feet? That pervasive feeling of failure grabbed a hold of me. I was done. I don’t know my kickball teammates that well, but I wasn’t really holding back how pissed off I was.

I’ve had a miserable week, and being hurt details my ability to cope with stress. Exercise is my therapy. I feel good after running for an hour. I love encouraging people to push themselves to a new limit when I teach spin class. I love challenging my body and mind trying to hold a pose in barre class. But now I am sidelined. And I have to deal with everything going on around me.

I made a mistake. I deleted my posts regarding my break up. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else but myself when I wrote them. I wanted to do what made me feel better during all the tough times I’ve faced, write about it and get my self-loathing out there. Seeing the words out in the open help me deal with the swaying emotions. The problem here is I hurt someone else too, while I was hurting too. Needless to say, I do still care deeply about him and we did have a good friendship and he might not be the person for me, but I’m also not one to burn bridges. I’ve made those mistakes before.

This break up is triggering a lot of feelings I rather not deal with. I’m not handling it productively and as my parents told me last night, there’s more to life and I’ve conquered more than just this. I don’t want this to be a cry for attention because it’s not. I’m thankful for my wid community who can relate to this. I do consider this ultimately the first real break up. I loved him, it didn’t work out and now I feel like I’m back to square one. I won’t write about this again, because it’s time to move on.

I am regaining control and I will be stronger and better for the next time. I will find my happiness, but dwelling on this any longer is wasteful.  12193469_10100798896088119_4826455024853441990_n

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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