When I first put myself out there after George passed away I was in the beginning stages of reinventing myself. I had been doing SoulCycle for about two months and had lost about 12-15lbs and feeling pretty good about myself. Well so I thought. When I look back at my decisions and timing, I started dating way too early. I just wasn’t ready to commit to anything and I was only doing it to occupy my mind. I was afraid of being alone and I also didn’t feel comfortable with myself. But I do not regret my decisions because it made me stronger and more self aware. You never really get to learn about yourself until you’re faced with something so horrific and the only means of survival is making it through the day. I promised myself the next day had to be better. And when it wasn’t, I hope the next one was. Eventually they were.
Anyway, I went out with an accountant a couple times very early on in my dating life. How they cast accountants in movies, this guy epitomized it. Receding hairline, short, and had a very whining but matter of fact tone to his voice. I told my buddies he was a good training wheels guy. That’s about it. I believe it was the second time we were hanging out he flat out said to me, you could lose 5 to 10 pounds. I scoffed because he wasn’t anything special himself, but I also had been committing a lot of time to making my mind right by finding productive ways to channel my grief. At this point in May 2014, I was all about SoulCycle. I love being astride the bike and having the challenge of turning the resistance up just a little bit more. I wanted to feel my quads ache and my hamstrings burn as I pedaled more and more. I loved it so much I decided to get certified as a indoor cycling instructor. Those weeks of closing my eyes and finding my inner strength on a bike allowed for his rude comments to just roll off my back.
5 to 10 pounds it’ll be 20-25, I thought to myself.
At this point in time, I was determined to change just about everything about myself. I didnt want to be me anymore. If you go back to posts from that time I pretty much said that very freely. I wanted to wake up and be someone else. That’s when the full blown commitment to fitness began. I was so unhappy with myself and using fitness to expel my grief was the only thing I could think of. I wasn’t really hyped about my grief counselor, who perpetually forgot my name and who I was grieving for (she thought I lost a parent). And drinking the pain away actually exacerbated it. Plus I physically couldn’t deal with the morning puffiness after drinking, still can’t, and the regret of saying or doing something stupid weighed on my mind. Fitness was it.
I wanted to physically put my body through hardships my mind couldn’t handle. Display my emotions through transformations. Look as strong as everyone gave me credit for. Fitness was my drug, my lifeline, and gave me a reason to wake up each day.
I think back to that conversation of needing to lose 5 to 10 pounds, and someone tried to cut me down a peg to make themselves feel better. But the journey was already in motion, whether he said it or not, I was going to find a way out of the grief labyrinth. Weight loss wasn’t the initial plan, feeling better was and still is.