I’m really special

imageI’ve always said even in death, George continues to make me feel special. There’s not many women widowed under the age of 30, and I needed to grow up fast. He passed and I was on my own for the first time in my life. Dealing with the highs and lows of grief and adapting to life without him. I’ve done pretty okay for myself, I have to say. I’m in the best shape of my life, physically I look like I could still be in college, yet mentally I can cope with extreme amounts of stress. I am pretty special.

I’m sorry for the excess hubris. Sometimes I need to remind myself how far I’ve come. But sometimes I also get friendly reminders as well. I did mention in my last post Mike’s ex-girlfriend reached out to me. I did reply back asking kindly for her to let me be. In which she returned yet another message, where more poignantly I asked to be left alone and for her sake to stop embarrassing herself, which she then replied to and the finally, I told her to butt out of my life, which again she replied to. Lesson learned, do not converse with the mentally ill. But there are some alarming things this girl has brought to light besides her inability to follow directions:

The past. I have made so many mistakes during the thick of my grieving. I couldn’t bare to look at my niece just a month after George passed. I wailed hysterically when my mother demanded I meet with her. My heart wasn’t ready to let love in. It was and is still the worst moment of my grief. I also was extremely selfish and careless with my actions and behavior. I back stabbed one of my best friends, took advantage of another one, and just constantly used people for my own benefit. Needless to say, I was out of my fucking mind those months after George passed. And you know what? I did those things and I learned from them. I developed as a person, and realized I cannot continue behaving this way. It’s not okay for a person to be like this. I wish Mike’s ex-girlfriend learns from her current behavior but I’m sure she won’t seeing she is borderline harassing me. That is not my point in this though. If someone judged me on those months, that worst time in my life, believing that I am that person still who did those things, I would be furious. And I am furious at her for making me think about this. I am not who I was in 2014, and I would be damned if my actions then formed the opinion of those around me now. It’s unfair and disgusting that some people cannot let the past rest. Learn, build, grow, develop and thrive.

Even in death George allows me to grow into the best version of myself. And for that I can give my best to those around me, including my current relationship.

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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