It’s been almost 2.5 years since George passed and the grief that struck me today was devastating. Worst thing I’ve ever felt. These swings are brutal. It started yesterday, and late last night I had to go to bed because I knew if I stayed up longer, I would make a regretful decision. Today it didn’t subside but became worse. I’ve always been the best at putting on a good face at work and breaking down behind close doors, and today was no exception. I did just that. But again, the grief came down like a hammer and left me clinging on to anything worthwhile. I needed to find reasons on why I need to be functional tomorrow.
I dont feel comfortable with my grief. I don’t like asking for help, but I am glad I have friends who are also widowed. They understand the hardship and the emptiness that comes unexpectedly. This was awful, I wanted to just find a quick fix for vicious sobs and guilty thoughts. As I was laying on my couch texting my wid friend, I started thinking about all those people who would say “if you need anything let me know.” My support system has dwindled but again I don’t feel comfortable with my grief. But there were a few who texted me tonight making sure I was okay. Some expected, but the ones I could count on… I don’t think they’re comfortable with my grief either.
Im sad, this isn’t easy. I miss George, I want him back, but nothing will change. This is a challenge and with challenges there change. And I’ve changed, my life has changed, but is it for the better? Or am I getting short changed? I need to figure some things out.