Im not sure if I’ve mentioned this in previous posts, but I thought I would revisit the days after George came home and told me he was dying. Not conversation a 27 year old is prepared for, nor was I able to process the information adequately as my mom tends to bring up til this day.
when George sat me down and told me he wasn’t getting better and he was going to die, he mentioned to me I can go see a therapist about him dying. A death therapist you could call it. He had been visiting her weekly since he was diagnosed with cancer and reassured me she was helpful. I brushed it off and said I didn’t need to go. I told him she wouldn’t have been of help to me. To this day I cannot confirm nor deny if my life would be better only if I visited her.
Some nights when George would come home from the city, we would have dinner together at home and just hang out. Usually my legs would be crossed over his lap and I would be tapping away at a game on my iPad. He would bring up his cancer and I would just shrug it off and keep playing pointless games on my iPad. At one point he told me I was using the games as distraction because I was in denial and of course I denied such an absurd accusation. I now see that I was using it as a scapegoat because I was in denial.
ive been noticing lately I’m sliding back into that trend. When the going gets tough I bury my head into my iPhone. Clicking through apps, checking emails, basically avoiding the issue in front of me. Tonight I was at Mike’s apartment and I started to do that, and he even told me to put my phone down and It made me remember those nights with George I wish I could have back. Nights I wish I could hold his hand rather than tap tap away.
Nothing gold can stay, and I learned that the hardest way possible. I love a distraction, but enjoying the time and moments right now are crucial, because in a flash everything can change. I just needed to remind myself about what’s important at and what is just an illusion.