Entering Christmas Season

All week during my spin classes I’ve been playing mixes that deal with love and heartbreak. I purposely did it because holidays bring out the worst in people. I know it’s supposed to be family filled with lots of love. But there’s unrealistic expectations, and I grit my teeth heading into holidays. I remember 3 years ago, the first Christmas without George I was looking out from my hotel window in Los Angeles wanting to just hurl myself out of it. Let all this misery end.

Last year heading into holidays I worked out excessively wishing at some point, that calming fog would engulf me and all this angst would just dissipate like a plume of smoke. I ran 10 miles on Christmas Day last year and just cried in the shower afterwards until l just had no more tears left. I also remember going out with my high school friends and feeling inconsolably alone. But I’ve always been good at putting on a good face. I’ve always gotten through the tough times, and marched along until something good comes along.

I’m worried for this year. Work has been hectic, I won’t have my loving companion Bodie by my side, and emotionally I’m beginning to fracture. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family, I love seeing my niece. She makes me so happy, because she doesn’t know what kind of baggage I carry around. She just enjoys life and being with everyone. And that’s how it should be. I need to have a smile big, and get through another holiday season and not dwell on everything I’ve lost, but actually feel blessed for what I’ve gained. Yet they’re  intertwined.



About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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1 Response to Entering Christmas Season

  1. Be Enough says:

    Hmmm… beautiful insight about Christmas. Thank you for sharing!

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