All week during my spin classes I’ve been playing mixes that deal with love and heartbreak. I purposely did it because holidays bring out the worst in people. I know it’s supposed to be family filled with lots of love. But there’s unrealistic expectations, and I grit my teeth heading into holidays. I remember 3 years ago, the first Christmas without George I was looking out from my hotel window in Los Angeles wanting to just hurl myself out of it. Let all this misery end.
Last year heading into holidays I worked out excessively wishing at some point, that calming fog would engulf me and all this angst would just dissipate like a plume of smoke. I ran 10 miles on Christmas Day last year and just cried in the shower afterwards until l just had no more tears left. I also remember going out with my high school friends and feeling inconsolably alone. But I’ve always been good at putting on a good face. I’ve always gotten through the tough times, and marched along until something good comes along.
I’m worried for this year. Work has been hectic, I won’t have my loving companion Bodie by my side, and emotionally I’m beginning to fracture. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family, I love seeing my niece. She makes me so happy, because she doesn’t know what kind of baggage I carry around. She just enjoys life and being with everyone. And that’s how it should be. I need to have a smile big, and get through another holiday season and not dwell on everything I’ve lost, but actually feel blessed for what I’ve gained. Yet they’re intertwined.