Entering Christmas Season

All week during my spin classes I’ve been playing mixes that deal with love and heartbreak. I purposely did it because holidays bring out the worst in people. I know it’s supposed to be family filled with lots of love. But there’s unrealistic expectations, and I grit my teeth heading into holidays. I remember 3 years ago, the first Christmas without George I was looking out from my hotel window in Los Angeles wanting to just hurl myself out of it. Let all this misery end.

Last year heading into holidays I worked out excessively wishing at some point, that calming fog would engulf me and all this angst would just dissipate like a plume of smoke. I ran 10 miles on Christmas Day last year and just cried in the shower afterwards until l just had no more tears left. I also remember going out with my high school friends and feeling inconsolably alone. But I’ve always been good at putting on a good face. I’ve always gotten through the tough times, and marched along until something good comes along.

I’m worried for this year. Work has been hectic, I won’t have my loving companion Bodie by my side, and emotionally I’m beginning to fracture. I’m looking forward to spending time with my family, I love seeing my niece. She makes me so happy, because she doesn’t know what kind of baggage I carry around. She just enjoys life and being with everyone. And that’s how it should be. I need to have a smile big, and get through another holiday season and not dwell on everything I’ve lost, but actually feel blessed for what I’ve gained. Yet they’re  intertwined.

image

IMG_0385

Advertisements

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Entering Christmas Season

  1. Be Enough says:

    Hmmm… beautiful insight about Christmas. Thank you for sharing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s