I’ve abandoned the dating portion of this blog because at one point a work colleague mentioned to me that they enjoyed the blog but felt the dating portion wasn’t very mindful of people’s feelings. However, it’s been over a year since and I think enough time has passed where I can revisit it. I’ve dated two people this year and both relationships felt different. Not in a negative way, but just different. The first one I stepped in cautiously, because it was the first serious relationship after George. There were compromises in it, which in hindsight shouldn’t be ignored. But it was good and I was sad when it was over but learned a great deal about myself as I moved to Alabama. And when I arrived here very quickly I met a man who I fell for almost immediately. The love runs deep, it feels so much different then anything I felt before. It’s a love that fits so uniquely perfect.
I was nervous I was falling too quickly, so of course I went back to the widow reference guide and read some extremely and helpful posts. One in particular, from Mel, spoke to my soul.
Last year I wanted to be someone else, but when I started to get to know Mike, I finally felt like me again. And it was refreshing to be me again. He didn’t see me as weak or damaged but genuinely saw me as a fighter. I spent so much time figuring out how to accept life’s events and how it transformed me, and feared I’ll never be able to feel the way I was before George passed. But in the opaque fog of self-loathing, I learned how to love and trust myself and because of it, I can love him deeply and let myself feel safe with him. He’s strong and healthy, but because of what I’ve been through I hold him tightly because I know I can lose him. When we’re just sitting around in the living room, I enjoy holding his hand loosely because I know I can lose him. Though he’s far from perfect, all his imperfections make him perfect for me. I love his quirks and weaknesses because it allows me to give him strength in a way makes me stronger too. This relationship it’s different but it’s good. It’s actually great. I feel whole again. My heart swells up, because cancer has taken so much away from me, but it didn’t destroy my ability to love. It only made my love deeper than it ever had before.
I’ve found love again and it’s different because I have so much more love to give than I ever had before. And I don’t expect trades or exchanges, because to fit so perfectly in his arms, I can feel this is the truest fit I could’ve dreamed of.