Unhappy anniversary II

Two years ago I started this blog. It was 4 days before George’s funeral and exactly a week after he passed. I used this blog as a way to outwardly express my grief in a productive way. Sift through the complex emotions which greeted me daily. I look back at the posts in the beginning and I am a different person. And those early months were such a blur. I still can’t believe I went back to coaching a college lacrosse team under two months widowed. And we had a successful season!

Last week, November 25th marked two years since George died. The day was very placid and dull. Nothing extremely eventful happened. I thought about him a lot, was sort of down for most the day, but I kept chugging along like I’ve been doing. My sister traveled from Germany to Connecticut for Thanksgiving and that was a surprise so I spent a lot of the day with her. Just like I did 2 years ago when he died. She made the trip from Germany to New Jersey on the night of the 24th and was by my side when he took in his final breath and sat with me as I waited for the funeral home to come get his body from my apartment. She stroked my head as I wiggled my hands in between his arms so I can feel his warmth. When he body cooled I found the next warm spot to wiggle into until it became cold.

I miss his warmth. I wanted to feel it as long as I could until my soul and entire being froze over when they rolled him away. Nothing can prepare you for feeling your husbands body turn to a stingy cold and listening to the thuds and zippers of his final trip into the body bag. With him inside the bag your entire life gets placed on mute and for months you’re screaming internally wondering why this massive tragedy happened to you and why on earth is there any reason to continue on when all you want to do is be with him? I cannot believe it’s been two years. Your life truly does reset after a loss like this. You just want everything to go back to the way it was, but for obvious reasons it never will so you either kill or be killed. I ran like hell to fix and get out of that storm of grief. I’m happy where I ended up. New start in Alabama.

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George was my guy and I’m so grateful to have loved him so deeply. He set me up to be successful in chapter 2 of my life, and his love has carried me to better myself and has given me the courage and strength to push ahead. I wish I could celebrate his life a little better but I figure in time that will happen. For right now, I do get sad when I think about what I lost, but I’m thankful for the opportunities at my fingertips. I always feel he has his hand in a lot of them.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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