First of many

The other day I was day dreaming about my upcoming birthday. In less than a month I’ll be entering my third decade. George said he would throw me a big party for my 30th. I miss him a lot. He loved birthdays because it’s always another year he was alive. People fear getting old, but he celebrated life. I keep getting older but he stays the same age now. I’m excited to head into the next decade, but I feel like I’m distancing myself from those years of bliss I spent with him.

Today hasn’t been easy. And I think there’s other days that’ll be like today. On these long recruiting trips my mind wanders and weaves through the memories. Splitting between thoughts of happy and carefree, and then those of distress and mourning. Next week I head to Pennsylvania for a recruiting trip. Heading back to PA is always full of anxiety, but the trade off is I’ll be in the comfort of my parents for the latter part of the trip back north rather than sitting at home alone watching Hulu and pitying myself for not being stronger.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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