I haven’t updated this thing in ages. I’m well into my second year of widowhood. Each anniversary has been visited once and the grief isn’t as harsh. Though from time to time I get stricken with it. My lacrosse season is more than half way over at this point and I feel less anxious this year. I don’t dread game days anymore because I can manage the overwhelming feelings of excitement and anxiety that come head on right as I step out on the field.
George is never far from my mind. I tell him I love and miss him everyday. I ask him to take care of me and make sure I’m okay. There’s still this conflict of emotions that comes out here and there, and lately when I feel it I’m starting to realize the conflict is not with my feelings for George but feelings for myself.
I’m beginning a new life. Someone else pressed the restart button before I was ready. And it’s taken me time to realize how to get back, but I’m not the same person I was. When I stop to look around and see who is in my life and who no longer is, Im realizing that this new part of my journey is me grieving for me.
I’ve learned to love myself in the first year of widowhood and now in the second I have to learn to accept that nothing will ever be how it was. No matter how hard I try. I feel like I’m slowly walking out from the labyrinth.