Emotional conflict

imageIt’s been over 15 months since I started this widow journey. At this exact time last year, I started to regain control of my life and really make an effort to better myself. I started working out 5 times a week which then turned into accidental weightloss, which helped with my overall confidence and assisted on healing other parts of my life. I use exercise as therapy and its a way for me to get out any excessive energy or anxiety I have.

The hard part is over. Relearning how to live has been achieved. Now I’m into stage 2 of this journey and that’s coping with the reality George is gone and I need to start letting people in. I’m strong but the thought of George in those final days still breaks me down. My lip begins to quiver when I’m alone in my apartment just wishing he was still here. My hands tremble when I hold his picture. It’s still very difficult but the hurt doesn’t have the long lasting effects it once did. I can rebound quicker and move my mind away from the dark memories.

I’ve been seeing someone for over three months and I’m quite taken by him. But I’m encountering issues lately I’m not sure how to express. I am conflicted. My emotions for him are very different than what I felt for George. But I’m still in love with George. I feel this amazing connection to my boyfriend but differentiating my feelings for him and what I had with George is leaving me addlepated. He sees it too, and we talk about it and he says he’s understanding. Its hard to explain. I just feel so conflicted from time to time. I am so happy when I’m around him and feel so special, but there’s a barrier between falling entirely for him because of my love for George. And I will never lose the love I have for George. There could be speculation that perhaps I’m not ready, but I am. I miss him when we’re not together and I’m excited every time we see each other for the first time. When he looks at me I feel like I’m the only person who matters at that point. But then there’s George who I still long for. I still miss what we had. This whole new relationship after George is tricky business. I need it to warm up so I can start running and sorting out my thoughts again.

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Emotional conflict

  1. samdyljor says:

    Loved this post my personal opinion is no one will replace George and this is not what you are trying to do. This is a new phase in your life and one to be cherished and made new, without thinking that you are losing what you had and will always have with George. Angel blessings MWAH xxx

  2. notabowlofcherries says:

    With time I think those barriers will come down. I am in the same boat. I struggled letting someone else in. I also compared my dh husband to others a lot. Very slowly but surely I am becoming more accepting of the possibility of someone new in my life but at the same time still feeling the love I had for my dh husband. It takes time. Nice post:)

  3. You will never get over loving George, and frankly, you don’t have to. Just know that your heart is big enough to love more than one person, just that it is in a different way.

    Don’t pressure yourself. Fifteen months is still not that long. The good news is that uiu are reclaiming your life.

    You deserve joy… and George would want you to be happy

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s