It’s been over 15 months since I started this widow journey. At this exact time last year, I started to regain control of my life and really make an effort to better myself. I started working out 5 times a week which then turned into accidental weightloss, which helped with my overall confidence and assisted on healing other parts of my life. I use exercise as therapy and its a way for me to get out any excessive energy or anxiety I have.
The hard part is over. Relearning how to live has been achieved. Now I’m into stage 2 of this journey and that’s coping with the reality George is gone and I need to start letting people in. I’m strong but the thought of George in those final days still breaks me down. My lip begins to quiver when I’m alone in my apartment just wishing he was still here. My hands tremble when I hold his picture. It’s still very difficult but the hurt doesn’t have the long lasting effects it once did. I can rebound quicker and move my mind away from the dark memories.
I’ve been seeing someone for over three months and I’m quite taken by him. But I’m encountering issues lately I’m not sure how to express. I am conflicted. My emotions for him are very different than what I felt for George. But I’m still in love with George. I feel this amazing connection to my boyfriend but differentiating my feelings for him and what I had with George is leaving me addlepated. He sees it too, and we talk about it and he says he’s understanding. Its hard to explain. I just feel so conflicted from time to time. I am so happy when I’m around him and feel so special, but there’s a barrier between falling entirely for him because of my love for George. And I will never lose the love I have for George. There could be speculation that perhaps I’m not ready, but I am. I miss him when we’re not together and I’m excited every time we see each other for the first time. When he looks at me I feel like I’m the only person who matters at that point. But then there’s George who I still long for. I still miss what we had. This whole new relationship after George is tricky business. I need it to warm up so I can start running and sorting out my thoughts again.