There’s something about losing a spouse, not a day goes by where you don’t think about them. Every morning I wake I think about George. When I go to sleep I ask him to come visit me in my dreams. He’s never far from my mind. Missing him occupies my mind but in the beginning of this grief journey I longed for him. I’ve noticed I’ve been getting a lot of search engine hits of people who are early in the widowhood journey. There is no handbook to tell you what’s right or wrong. All you can do is figure it out on your own.
I am childless and I do not live close to my family. I was very lonely in my grief journey. My mind would venture to very dark places and it still does from time to time. It does get easier to manage but the loss is controlling. 14 months out and I still feel at the mercy of my emotions. I tread lightly with situations that I know wear on me and could trigger my devastation to return.
George is all around me. In the air I breathe, wind that brushes through my hair, sunlight that shines down, snowflake that falls on my nose. He’s around, just not in the way I wish he was.