Happy New Year all! I rang in 2015 with some of my closest friends in NYC and at only one point did I get emotional. I kind of knew I would because the days leading up to New Years Eve I was having a lot of moments of reflection which triggered a bit of grief. As the count down for the New Year began, I vanished from the party I was at. I wanted to be alone at that time. I figured that I went into 2014 alone, I wanted to do this one alone too. It sounds so petulant, I know, but in my head it’s what I wanted to have happen.
I did have a date on New Years, it was with the guy I’ve been seeing for a little over a month now. It was the first time he met my friends, and kind of a step in a more serious direction. Being around my friends, we do get into recollections of stories and what not, and at one point I realized I was telling quite a few about George. Even when my friends weren’t there. I didn’t really ask my date at the time if it bothered him, but with some thought on the train back to CT, I did reach out to him about it.
As I’ve mentioned, I have been actively dating, but this was the first time I felt like I was starting to tell stories about my previous life. Usually it’s brought up and acknowledged that I had a significant loss in my life, but nothing much beyond that. Once in awhile something might be pointed out like a piece of jewelry, and the guy will note “oh that’s a unique” and I’d be like, yeah George got it for me. But that’s about it. This time I was yammering about how mad George got at me when I got lost in Brooklyn, or how much he loved a restaurant, etc. I asked my date if it bothered him, and he said not at all, it’s just a bit odd because he didn’t know him, but it didn’t bother him. That was a relief for me.
I’m still kind of sifting through this, because this is a step forward that I wasn’t really anticipating. I’ve read about it on the widow boards but hadn’t really taken any of my relationships all that seriously. Dating was fun, and I wasn’t really getting invested enough in someone to start talking so candidly about my experience/life with George. The tendency and discussions usually hover around the loss and grieving process. Never about the memories.
For me it was a realization that I am ready.
I’m ready for companionship again.