Widow crossroads on dating

I feel like my life contains very little excitement so I have to put my input on what’s going on in the widow boards I visit day-to-day. Holidays are synonymous with family and having lost a spouse you can’t help but reflect on what is missing. With that, many widows progress through the holidays in a variety of ways. I decided escape to my parents house and spend the holidays surrounded by my family, and continue my exercise track. Helps with my mood. I’ve read a number of different posts on the widow board where others are really struggling and are quick to point out they simply cannot comprehend how other “move on” from the loss. I’m not particularly active on the boards but like to read them and then come on here and bitch about it.

I never like to use the phrase “move on,” because I don’t think I will “move on.” But I will move forward and continue to grow and develop as a person. My loss strengthens me, it doesn’t cripple me. Anyway, the big topic on the board is dating. If you love your spouse how can you even entertain the idea of dating? There’s a range of wids who have decided they’ll never seek the companionship of another ever again, and then there’s others who are weeks out and have begun dating again. I started dating again at about 6 months out. However upon reflection, I do not think I was ready to date again when I started dating. I was in a weird state of purgatory in my grief where I was just finding my stride.

Several  wids on the board are quick to condemn those who are beginning to date, and in my opinion, I cannot fathom why someone would want to perpetuate their bitterness on to someone else. There’s a few who’ve stated they’ve tried dating and it’s not for them, and that’s fine, but I do find it a bit precarious when those who have never even tried are so quick to guilt the others that do. I am dating. It doesn’t lessen my relationship I had with George. I actually I have quite the opposite happen. I’m VERY picky now, and I think in a large part because I know what I want with a person and what will work for me in a relationship. I have been dating a couple guys this Fall and have iris-in on one right now. I don’t call him my boyfriend because I do not feel comfortable doing so, but he is pretty understanding with that. Nor does he really seem to care. I have gone out on dates though (without updating the dating section, sorry) where the guys were so befuddled with my widowhood that it was the only thing we talked about on the date. Or they’ll question whether or not if I’m really ready to date. Usually when the conversation heads in that direction there isn’t a second.

There is no other George and no one will replace George. And I feel that those who are judgmental about dating tend to believe that’s what others are doing: Looking for a replacement. Do I think George reigns supreme to any man, yeah of course. He’s my first love and I still love him. But he’s not coming back. And I need to press forward and do what feels right to me. And again, it’s been my latest theme of this blog, I love the woman who I’m becoming, and I like sharing my time with someone. I don’t think it’s something to be ridiculed for. It took me a long time to get here.IMG_8722

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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6 Responses to Widow crossroads on dating

  1. Anthony says:

    I guess some people have so much bitterness that they think, foolishly, by giving it to you they are getting rid of theirs. Sadly, all they are doing is growing more of it.

    • J. says:

      It’s truly astonishing because we all share 1 devastating thing in common. Rather than support there’s scoffing instead. But in the end, everyone acts and grieves differently.

  2. literaturegradstudent says:

    Not gonna lie, you don’t look like you love in this picture. The blurry people in the background look happier than you

    • J. says:

      haha, I did choose a more pensive picture for this post. This was just seconds before I ran a half marathon in freezing rain. I wasn’t doing backflips for it, that’s for sure.

  3. Thankyou for sharing-
    I’m creeping up to the 5 year mark since losing my loved one. I decided to give dating a try last year, it still felt weird. As you said, and I agree whole heartedly, the whole process of widowhood has made me look at any prospective “dates” differently. After all the time and love that you invested in the love of your life, you’re not just going to date any random that comes along. It’s made me more selective with things like that, as well as friendships too. I have a low tolerance for wasting time with people who aren’t worthy of it.
    I’m glad that the person you’re seeing is understanding towards your feelings-it’s encouraging for someone like me who keeps failing at meeting someone half decent…

    Nice to know there are still some good ones out there 🙂

    Thanks again for sharing,

    • J. says:

      I really just do not have the time to waste either. But when someone intrigues me the way the current guy I’m seeing does, I just find it almost invigorating to my soul. Don’t get me wrong, I think dating sucks, especially after being forcibly placed back into single life, but I try to have fun as much as I can. Even when it is sifting through a pile of BS some guy will feed me on first or second dates.

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