So now that I’m over a year out from when George died, there’s a lot that has changed. I’m a part of these widow groups online and it’s really hard for me to read about these women who are posting heartbreaking recounts of how lost they are just weeks and months out. I really am considering removing myself from these groups because I really do not like reading the negativity and I know it’s so hypocritical of me because I was the same way at one point in my journey, but some people aren’t helping themselves at all. Not leaving the house for three months really is foreign to me. I was coaching and running a lacrosse program at just about two months out. I also think I’m a very strong person, even at my most vulnerable.
So that leads me to my follow up… triggers. There are some situations I just try to avoid entirely and one has been going on throughout the last couple months. With having to encounter first anniversaries by myself I really focused on taking care of myself. But during the process there was one person who consistently tried to rip me down. But I think to her dismay, I never fully crumbled. I kept my distance from the whole situation swirling around me because I knew it was going to result in me losing everything I’ve worked so hard to build. And I wouldn’t allow the petulance of one person do that to me. Now that I’m not out of my mind and feeling emotionally uneasy, I am ready to take care of what should have been done months ago.
One thing that really triggers my grief is that feeling of being out of control. I know there’s some situations that are technically “out of your control,” but being unable to respond or handle it drives me wild. I haven’t had too much of a complete emotional meltdown recently, even with the death anniversary, I felt much of everything was very placid. Tip toeing and peering around corners as I wait for something to jump out. But nothing did. I feel I’m in the clear… Even during Thanksgiving, when I started to get really down about what I lost, I would go for a run and think about how far I’ve come. And I’ve noticed that when I feel grief boiling inside of me, when I start focusing on my journey and where I am, I feel this indescribable amount of pride.
I don’t know, maybe I’m starting to find my stride in this new life. There will always be good days and bad, but I think what matters most is how I react and come out of it. I do love who I’m starting to become.