Today is the death anniversary. I woke up a couple times in the middle of the night. Once I was really confused where I was. Probably because I’m at my parents house right now, and the second time was right around the time of his final breath. I remember his left eye remained open and today that image is reoccurring in my mind.
He was in our apartment hours after he died cause I was waiting for hospice to transfer him to the funeral home. But as I waited with my sister next to me I slid my hands under his body, in between his arms just so I can feel his warmth. I wanted to have it for as long as I could before it went away forever.
Today I feel numb. My friend who’s a widower said it best, today is a combination of fear, sadness and acceptance that yes it’s the first year we have to get through, but a lifetime. A gash so agonizing but out of plain view.