Lately Ive been having nightmares. Not the kind where you desperately want to wake up from but the kind where you are so disoriented once you do wake up. They leave me upset and confused, and are really pulling at a string that is in the back of my mind.
Im approaching the 1 year mark, and I really miss George. I’ve always missed him, but as of lately when I wake up from these strange dreams and when I get home from work I just want to see him. I just want to talk to him and tell him everything that’s been going on for the last year. As I write this I can picture the excitement in his eyes and his enthusiasm about my accomplishments. He would tell me something funny that happened to him at work or the terrible music his spin instructor played. I just really miss the uneventful moments we used to have. Those seemed like the best moments now that they’re gone.
But back to the dreams. So in my life I’ve had reoccurring dreams. Usually involving a car accident. I haven’t had one of those recently. But lately I have them where I see George and he doesn’t recognize me. I’ll go out and he’ll be at the field or the house and he just wouldn’t know who I am. It really freaks me out. I do not look how I used to. But I know if he were alive he would be so proud of me and be happy that I’m becoming healthier. But without the reassurance I fear that he will not remember me.
During this grief journey I wanted to become someone different. But now that I have, am I afraid of letting go? Another wid asked me this a couple weeks ago and I arrogantly said I have let go. But maybe I’m just hiding and my mind is reminding me. I don’t know. People say those who pass watch over you, sometimes I feel him. When I ran across the Golden Gate Bridge I did. When I go into NYC I feel him sometimes. This grief stuff is really kicking my ass. The lead up to this one year mark has been playing my nerves like a fiddle. I’m cracking as the days crawl closer.