Are people looking at me?


This trip to California is the perfect bookend to this first year of widowhood. Less then a month after George died I was out here as a walking corpse. I was embarrassed, sad, horrified with my life, and just wanted to cease to exist. With less than a month to go to George’s death anniversary I am out here trying to experience as much as life as possible. I’m not as sad, I’ve accepted this life and I want to embrace life to the fullest. Last night as I was stuck in traffic on the 80 just outside of Berkley, I got to watch the most magnificent sunset over the bay. It was just so ethereal and I was actually happy to be in traffic because I wouldn’t have gotten to experience that view.

Im becoming a broken record about fitness, I know. It has become my serum of choice during this journey. So when George passed I felt so vulnerable, like most wids do. I didn’t want to be seen or acknowledged. I wanted to grieve privately, but going on vacation out to the west coast was not something I desired to do. But I couldn’t be left alone either because I didn’t want to be alive during that time. When I was out here last December I felt like EVERYONE was looking at the sad widow. I would cry in public and I looked like hell. Now that I’m out here with a clearer mind and can see more of the california lifestyle, I think a lot of people didn’t give a lot of thought into how I looked. Most likely they thought I was coming off something to be honest.

Being out here with my new body I want to flaunt what I have been working so hard on. I wore a crop top, I rode in SoulCycle West Hollywood without a shirt on, and I went braless in a nice outfit. When all I wanted to be in hidden, now I’m excited people take notice. But in all honesty, it’s not necessarily people taking notice, because that’s a bit vain. It’s good to have my confidence back.

One thing that still haunts me though is I don’t think George would recognize me. But I know he would be proud of my hard work and how far I’ve come.


About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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1 Response to Are people looking at me?

  1. After my daughter passed away, I felt the same way – like everyone was looking at me. I find hope in knowing that after a year you have continued to move forward.

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