Are people looking at me?


This trip to California is the perfect bookend to this first year of widowhood. Less then a month after George died I was out here as a walking corpse. I was embarrassed, sad, horrified with my life, and just wanted to cease to exist. With less than a month to go to George’s death anniversary I am out here trying to experience as much as life as possible. I’m not as sad, I’ve accepted this life and I want to embrace life to the fullest. Last night as I was stuck in traffic on the 80 just outside of Berkley, I got to watch the most magnificent sunset over the bay. It was just so ethereal and I was actually happy to be in traffic because I wouldn’t have gotten to experience that view.

Im becoming a broken record about fitness, I know. It has become my serum of choice during this journey. So when George passed I felt so vulnerable, like most wids do. I didn’t want to be seen or acknowledged. I wanted to grieve privately, but going on vacation out to the west coast was not something I desired to do. But I couldn’t be left alone either because I didn’t want to be alive during that time. When I was out here last December I felt like EVERYONE was looking at the sad widow. I would cry in public and I looked like hell. Now that I’m out here with a clearer mind and can see more of the california lifestyle, I think a lot of people didn’t give a lot of thought into how I looked. Most likely they thought I was coming off something to be honest.

Being out here with my new body I want to flaunt what I have been working so hard on. I wore a crop top, I rode in SoulCycle West Hollywood without a shirt on, and I went braless in a nice outfit. When all I wanted to be in hidden, now I’m excited people take notice. But in all honesty, it’s not necessarily people taking notice, because that’s a bit vain. It’s good to have my confidence back.

One thing that still haunts me though is I don’t think George would recognize me. But I know he would be proud of my hard work and how far I’ve come.



About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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One Response to Are people looking at me?

  1. After my daughter passed away, I felt the same way – like everyone was looking at me. I find hope in knowing that after a year you have continued to move forward.

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