My Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday. Last year I traveled to Maryland on my birthday for a recruiting tournament. When I got back I was in a cranky mood and was just so stand offish to George. I wanted to go out to dinner on my birthday and I didn’t want to go out to the place he wanted to go and I remember getting so fed up with him. Finally we ordered out and ate dinner at home and watched TV together.

If I could go back in time, I would have never gone to that tournament. Because of that tournament it has changed my entire perspective on the recruiting process and how I do my job in general. I remember my last birthday with George as a negative memory, and it’s damning to me. To make a long story short, I will spend time with the people I love and cherish my time so I do not have regret later on.

Anyway, every time it was my birthday I would ask him if he still loved me as much at the older age than the younger. So I would ask him tomorrow if he preferred me at 28 or at 29. He always said the older age.

As I keep getting older he will be frozen in time at 46. I hate the feeling that as I keep aging, it closes the gap. I will be 17 years separated from him now.

There’s a feeling of loneliness swelling inside of me tonight. Tomorrow is going to be a very difficult day. I’m just really sad about growing old without George.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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