So I haven’t really documented any dates recently. I’ve had plenty of atrocious ones, and some things just come to a screeching halt, but the unthinkable has happened: Im seeing someone.
I have this tendency to lose interest very quickly. In some cases, I already knew it wouldnt work out before it even began. Sometimes I start things knowing that it’ll end badly, but I just go forward. Why? Because how else am I supposed to learn. With grief I have become apathetic and that’s terrible, but I really just can’t help it. I’ve been damaged so badly that it cuts me so deep. Frankly I didn’t think I could develop romantic feeling for anyone. But now that I have, I’ve been feeling a bit guilty. It’s not an immediate guilt, it’s like the next day I feel kind of down and have a tinge of guilt. The guilt is happening more recently than it did in the beginning.
Ive been seeing the same guy now almost 2 months and within the last couple weekends the guilt surfaced. Today it was bad. Almost to the point I didn’t want to go to work, but I did. I’m not sure if it’s the change in weather and George’s death anniversary is closing in, but I have been feeling down. When I’m with the new guy I have a lot fun. I just really enjoy his company and he makes me laugh. He’s the first person I’ve actually enjoyed spending time with, let alone the first person I’ve developed feelings for. So it’s new and it’s very different then what I had, but I’m very different now too.
I’m not sure what else to say about this except that it’s the sad reality that life does go on. Things do keep going and I need to continue to press forward. I’ll ride this out, see where it goes. I don’t think he reads this blog, but if so Im sure this is a little embarrassing.
Sigh, this widow life.