I have gone through a wealth of different emotions since George passed. I feel manic at times, and then spiral into these bottomless holes of depression. I’ve gotten to the point of managing the grief a little better. Although to be perfectly candid, today has been far from pleasant. I haven’t had to close my office door in awhile to let the grief out, but today I did. I’m somewhat grateful for it though, because sometimes I get worried that I’m not “sad enough.” People forget that I’ve had this massive loss in my life and sometimes they can say some really off the cuff things to me that are indeed offensive.
Since February, I started exercising regularly and it spiraled into a form of therapy for me. I just get lost in the workouts and let my mind wander in between the melody and beats of the songs that are ringing in my ears. As I got into better shape and made noticeable physical changes my workouts became more vigorous. To the point where I did have people question my overall exertion, and if it was healthy. I read my body and know when I’m going too much. I also love the mental capacity it takes to continue on a workout as it gets tougher. That crave for mental and physical stimulation pointed me in the direction of competing in my first Triathlon last Sunday (9/28). Now I want to do a half-marathon.
There’s something wondrous about pulling your own bodyweight up a hill. There’s so many outside factors in this life, especially during the grieving process, that will rip you apart. But to lace those running shoes, and put one foot in front of the other, to feel the sun heating up your shoulders as the wind brushes your hair, I cannot think of anything more satisfying. I’m moving and pulling myself forward while there’s so many more reasons why I should crumble. As I was doing my triathlon, my legs were cramping, I had a panic attack, but as I was continuing forward this immense feeling of happiness filled my heart. I felt alive. I felt like me. But not like the me I used to be, I was finally the new me.
At the end, I couldn’t believe I had finished 51.5k of exercising. I felt George there with me, I knew he would be proud of me. I was proud of myself, and I felt for the first time a sense of respect that I had been missing.
When the one person who loves you for who you are disappears, it’s such a long road to learning how to love yourself. Today is a set back, but tomorrow I’ll hit the running trails and I’ll feel him watching me move forward as I carry along for 8 miles or so.