What’s keeping me up at night

My mind has been all over the place. I cannot focus and I’m also slowly returning to that numbness I had when George first passed. Last year at this time I was planning my wedding reception and George and I were figuring out the menu and dealing with the photographer. But now I’m planning dates and figuring out what the hell I can eat for dinner that doesn’t take much prep time and limited dishes. I feel like Alice when she falls down the rabbit hole and ends up in a different place. How the hell did I get here?

I was planning on growing old with him, and now I find myself dodging and avoiding men I went out with a few times. I keep myself up at night thinking about how I wish I could go back in time to those nights we sat in bed just talking about nothing particular.

I’m trying to move forward, and I was doing the best I could. So much about me has changed. I don’t even look like the same girl who was married to George. I feel like I’m not the same person at all, yet these memories and undercurrent of sadness will hang on to me no matter what. These wounds run so deep and this scar that crosses my soul leaves me so deceivingly vulnerable. I’m about to break into a thousand little piece. If it wasn’t 11pm I would go for a run, but instead I’ve decided to return to my first outlet for this grief: writing.image

 

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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One Response to What’s keeping me up at night

  1. Healing Grief says:

    Grief can be overwhelming at times and like you, in the beginning I did a lot of exercise to help keep me moving and help with some of the stress of grief but in the end it was stillness, yoga and meditation that helped me confront my grief, to let go and decide that I could go on in life without our loved one.

    Your life has changed and it will never be what you planned but I promise you there is hope and a new way to live differently, a new way to live fully again overtime.

    I wish you peace.
    Karen

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