Shattered autopilot

I haven’t been in autopilot for quite sometime now and last night after my evening swim workout, I was walking home and forgot George had died. I couldn’t wait to tell him about my day and it was the weirdest thing when I looked up at the dimming blue sky adorned with suspended pink clouds when I realized he was dead. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time; Getting suspended in time in my own head. Each step forward toward my apartment. which I never shared with him, the gloom swathed me and the tears burned down my cheeks. When I glanced upward at the magnificent sky, my friend was pulling into my driveway on his motorcycle. He works at Drew also and I’ve declared him to be my work husband because he’s been there for me every step of this miserable journey. I confide in him when the grief is at it’s worst, I call him at late hours when my mind goes to dark places and all I want to do is cease to exist. He was there again to be my savior and I don’t think he even realized it.

My grief has been flooding back more frequently and think it’s because anniversaries are just around the corner. Im becoming secluded again and my mind is starting to go to those very dark places. When the emptiness and heavy pain stir within, I begrudgingly expose my jugular and allow grief to dig its razor sharp teeth into all that is left of me. It swings me around like a rag doll, and then I put on a happy face and head to work as if everything is fine.

I haven’t felt this way in months.


About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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6 Responses to Shattered autopilot

  1. nivaladiva says:

    These moments creep up on us, don’t they? We never know when they’re going to hit. I’m glad you have a friend confide in. Be kind to yourself. Hugs to you.

    • J. says:

      Its a tough journey and although we find ourselves alone for most of it, those times when we find comfort in others is truly heartwarming.

  2. mewhoami says:

    A roller coaster it is, but it does get easier. But in the meantime, it is perfectly okay to mourn and go into autopilot…just as long as you don’t stay there too long. Tomorrow is a new day.

  3. samdyljor says:

    How is it possible that you are living my life at this very moment?? I too have had the grips of grief this week that I thought were behind me, I too walk into a house that I did not physically share with my husband, I too have the first anniversary without my husband. Are we somehow connected with only the age and geographically difference. Keep your heart open and your mind focused you are a strong lady. MWAH xxx

    • J. says:

      That is so eerie that we walk the same cadence of our journey! But with our anniversaries looming it does make sense. I’m honestly so grateful we were able to connect, although terrible circumstances but still its kind of uncanny. My hearts with you in the upcoming weeks. If your feeling these bouts of uncontrollable feelings like I am, we need to find solace somewhere. Even in a stranger on the other side of the world 🙂

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