I haven’t been in autopilot for quite sometime now and last night after my evening swim workout, I was walking home and forgot George had died. I couldn’t wait to tell him about my day and it was the weirdest thing when I looked up at the dimming blue sky adorned with suspended pink clouds when I realized he was dead. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time; Getting suspended in time in my own head. Each step forward toward my apartment. which I never shared with him, the gloom swathed me and the tears burned down my cheeks. When I glanced upward at the magnificent sky, my friend was pulling into my driveway on his motorcycle. He works at Drew also and I’ve declared him to be my work husband because he’s been there for me every step of this miserable journey. I confide in him when the grief is at it’s worst, I call him at late hours when my mind goes to dark places and all I want to do is cease to exist. He was there again to be my savior and I don’t think he even realized it.
My grief has been flooding back more frequently and think it’s because anniversaries are just around the corner. Im becoming secluded again and my mind is starting to go to those very dark places. When the emptiness and heavy pain stir within, I begrudgingly expose my jugular and allow grief to dig its razor sharp teeth into all that is left of me. It swings me around like a rag doll, and then I put on a happy face and head to work as if everything is fine.
I haven’t felt this way in months.