For the last two weeks, I’ve watched more television and lounged around more than I think I have since December. Those first few weeks after George died, I didn’t know what to do with myself so I simply lost myself in fictional drama and romances. My spring obsession if you recall was One Tree Hill, and it began at the turn of the New Year. Leaving behind one of the most horrific years of my life for another year of pain, rebuilding and eventual growth. I’m still in the goddamn construction phase, to be honest.
Since getting sick, I’ve been unable to occupy my mind and body with exercise so instead I’ve turned my attention to a couple other things. First, I have to be careful of my consumption so I’m scrupulously tracking my water and food intake. Although I’m not currently in training due to the bed rest, I want to make sure my body can bounce back quickly once I return to the saddle. The second thing is American Ninja Warrior. I’m straight up enamored with that show. The physicality and mental toughness is simply mesmerizing and leaves me bewildered of how their bodies can endure that much. I want to be climbing the cargo net and hanging off rings attached to a staircase. These people have stretched their bodies to the limits just as I have emotionally over these last 9 months. I truly appreciate their commitment to bettering themselves for a gameshow, however I’m trying to better myself for a longer duration; the rest of my life.
I saw a couple on the show who both competed, and when they kissed it jolted a feeling that I hadn’t really thought much about. This couples professional life is competing in these obstacle races, and training other competitors. So before one of them went to work, they kissed. George and I always alternated on who wakes up for work before the other, but we never missed a good morning/goodbye kiss. Some days I would be in such a rush to head out the door, but if I didn’t kiss him goodbye, id bust through the door in a frenzy, kiss him and tell him I love him. Usually Bodie would wake up and start barking. I missed it today. Something about those mundane morning kisses were so special and warming that I never realized it until I really thought about it. Somedays, he would press against my face so hard, I could feel his stubble against my top lip for minutes afterwards. Prickly like a Velcro but warm and soft like bread out of the oven. It was the best. I haven’t had a good morning kiss since. Maybe once, but nothing that had lingering meaning behind it anyways. Things I took for granted are becoming my most cherished memories. Those moments where everything in the world was perfect and pure, have become elusive. The never ending marathon of chasing happiness continues on. But once it’s within reach, I will hang onto it tightly like those competitors do when they see the end line just after that last knob they need to grab ahold of to continue on.