After my massive breakdown yesterday I woke up this morning with a heavy heart and desperately needed to occupy my mind. I mentioned bad decisions in my post yesterday and I’ve noticed a pattern… Not a pretty polka dot pattern but more like a blood splattered stomach turning one.
I thought I would never turn into this but I engage in meaningless behavior due to my ongoing hollowness. I am callous and I push people away when they get too close. I don’t want to get attached or want anything serious. When it comes to emotional connections, I am at a steady flatline. It’s as emotionless as standing next to someone at the bank teller. Well for me at least.
So this morning I went to SoulCycle, of course, with one of my former players. I love cycling because you get to dictate how challenging you want to make it. Today I cranked that wheel to the right so my quads and glutes were on fire. Later on in the day I went for a 3 mile run and finished the full body cardio barrage with 30 minutes of swimming. Afterwards, I was gassed. And succeeded on draining my mind of any frivolous thoughts about grief, sorrow and anything else. Tomorrow I hope is a better day. It has to be. I’m taking my first barre method class and getting pedicures.