Ever since George’s birthday I’ve been in an emotional rut. I usually experience highs and lows, but lately I’ve been experience lows and lowers. This canopy of sadness that lurks behind me hasn’t been so prominent since the immediate months after George died. Arguably, I’m entering 8 months out next Saturday and this is still considered the raw and early stages of grief, but I truly have felt like I’ve been in a good place. But all of a sudden I’m on the cusp of crying constantly.
On Wednesday (yesterday), my friends and I declared it a cry day and we watched shows and movies to inspire a well needed cry. I accepted cry day and wanted it. The problem came when I realized I am so uncomfortable crying in front of people. It’s been a problem of mine since I was young. We watched the tribute episode of Glee, then the final episode of Dawson’s Creek where Joey finally decides on Pacey or Dawson, and then we followed up with a trip to the movies to watch A Fault in our Stars, and to round the days events we finished with Hachi: A Dog’s Tale. I lost my mind during Hachi. It’s such a sweet and sad movie. If you want a good cry, watch it. I think I was the winner of cry day because I cried while watching everything. Hell, I was already crying before they got there. But having the comradery around me did feel good. I wish cry day did what it needed to do but it didn’t.
Today I got my evaluation at work, and admittedly it didn’t make me feel better or worse. I went into it feeling blah and I left feeling blah. Afterwards I went and did an outdoor workout, which usually does the trick of making me feel better, but it didn’t. I was numb. Even when I went to SoulCycle tonight, I was numb and that ALWAYS makes me feel better. But something is going on with me and I’m not sure what it is. This is one of those times if someone tells me how strong I am, I will break in two. I feel so weak and have this uncertainty of what meandering emotions will bubble to the surface. And the only hypotheses I have on what’s going on is this must be the prequel to my period or I’m entering a new stage of grief. With all my might, I hope it’s the former.