Everyone grieves differently

I’m home in Connecticut right now and as I mentioned in my last post it decided to not go to Ohio for George’s second memorial. When I’m here in my hometown I am a bit of a shut in. I don’t like to go out unless its well pre-planned. The reason for it is I don’t want to chance a run in with an old acquaintance.

A lot of people may have not seen me since high school graduation (2003) but we’re friends on social media. The ultimate concern is the gratuitous small talk I would have to endure. And of course I’m afraid that will include a brief mention of George.

Whether I’m overthinking this whole thing or not it does haunt my returns back to my hometown. A lot of times I feel like people judge me and how I’m dealing with his death. Like I am a bad grieving widow. I’m not sad all the time, I don’t look like I spend every night crying myself to sleep anymore, and I appear to be enjoying myself. And a lot of times people do project how they would act to how they believe I should act. Even other widows do this too. And I do it to other wids. But when I compare myself to other grieving wids, I can’t help but wonder if I’m not sad enough.

After George died I returned to work quickly. I yearned for a return to normalcy only to realize I need to establish a new normal because my other life died along with George. So what you see of me now is not who I was before. Grief is always lurking in the shadows, but I try to keep a step ahead of it. I’m doing my best with this unwanted situation. And with it, I’m trying to better myself and figure out life after George.

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About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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3 Responses to Everyone grieves differently

  1. samdyljor says:

    Can so totally relate to your concerns about what other people think, what I have come to realise is grief is extremely personal and I truly believe our husbands would not want us in the foetal position every day screaming why oh why. Grief is not like the movies it is real and always present. Yay you for being strong and staying one step ahead. Keep going girl. MWAH xxx

    • J. says:

      It’s really interesting because how people judge my grief digs at me but other things do not. I’ve become so self critical but yet so emotionally callous.

  2. This is a great post! Thanks for sharing.

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