I’m home in Connecticut right now and as I mentioned in my last post it decided to not go to Ohio for George’s second memorial. When I’m here in my hometown I am a bit of a shut in. I don’t like to go out unless its well pre-planned. The reason for it is I don’t want to chance a run in with an old acquaintance.
A lot of people may have not seen me since high school graduation (2003) but we’re friends on social media. The ultimate concern is the gratuitous small talk I would have to endure. And of course I’m afraid that will include a brief mention of George.
Whether I’m overthinking this whole thing or not it does haunt my returns back to my hometown. A lot of times I feel like people judge me and how I’m dealing with his death. Like I am a bad grieving widow. I’m not sad all the time, I don’t look like I spend every night crying myself to sleep anymore, and I appear to be enjoying myself. And a lot of times people do project how they would act to how they believe I should act. Even other widows do this too. And I do it to other wids. But when I compare myself to other grieving wids, I can’t help but wonder if I’m not sad enough.
After George died I returned to work quickly. I yearned for a return to normalcy only to realize I need to establish a new normal because my other life died along with George. So what you see of me now is not who I was before. Grief is always lurking in the shadows, but I try to keep a step ahead of it. I’m doing my best with this unwanted situation. And with it, I’m trying to better myself and figure out life after George.