Today would have been George’s 47th birthday. The lead up to this day had been very placid. I knew it was coming but I had the mindset that I would treat it like any other day. His family had organized a second memorial service for him in Ohio, which I made the decision not to go to. It’s what his family needed for closure and I felt it was in my best interest not to go. I’m in a good place I’m my life and have made a lot of progress. The thing about funerals is that I was numb when we had his in December. I am no longer numb and to relive his death would have obliterated me.
I really had no anticipation for this day. I tried with all my might to make it just another day and hoped to just glide through it. As I was gliding, I ended up face planting instead. I remembered all his birthdays in NYC where he threw himself a birthday party. I never met someone who loved birthdays more than George. When I visited him for the 4th of July in 2009, the morning I had to go back to Connecticut he asked me if I wanted to come back for his birthday the following weekend. I said of course. He used to say when I agreed to come back for his birthday that’s when he knew we were in love. He had so much allure, and I couldn’t stay away. I used to miss him before I even boarded the train back home. I love him so much.
For his birthday today I went for a walk with my cousin this morning and we caught up on life and everything in between. It was really nice and comforting. Afterwards I went to the gym to occupy my mind. As I was doing cardio on the bike I couldn’t avoid crying. I miss him so much and all I want is to have him back. When I get really sad when thinking about George, I tend to go overboard with my workouts. So after cardio I did circuit training for a little over an hour. My arms and shoulders are pretty sore, but I was no longer stuck in the dark abyss which takes over my mind when these horrid lows come. After the gym I met up with one of my good high school friends and we just chatted about grief and getting by alone and how difficult it is. My friend and I are in very different situations but they have similar qualities and it’s nice to have someone to talk to who can relate on some grounds. Later in the evening I found out my other cousin had her second child today. Hearing this news I quickly became distant and sullen. I don’t understand why so many life events in my family has to take place around major events in my life. Can’t the world just cease to turn for a day so I can grieve in peace? When these things happen I pull further away from those people. I need to take care of myself.
Even a wid friend called me today to make sure I’m doing okay with this first birthday event. It’s really heartwarming to know people care and it did perk me up as the night wore on. I just miss George so much and I know he would have thrown himself a memorable birthday celebration today. 5 years ago he brought me to Weehawken to go to the Aaron Burr/Alexander Hamilton dual site and then we went to Ktown for karaoke. It was an amazing day, and I wish I could travel back in time to it and stay there forever. To have him to hold and to be so helplessly in love.