Besides my little blog, which has been getting a lot of hits lately– What’s up with that? Where are you all coming from?– I do have an online wid community I’m a part of. It’s always heart breaking when new wids, join the group and pour their hearts out about their recent loss. It’s more than just losing a husband or wife, you lose your stability, your best friend, your judgement, and ultimately your goddamn life. But the interesting thing about the wid community is the variety of different people who you’re connected with.
I won’t ever meet these people face-to-face but we are soul-sharing because of our life shattering losses. The person from Georgia who’s husband died in a car accident all the way to the man in Oregon who’s wife took her own life. We are somberly connected and it’s such a weird thing to actually sit down and think about.
Grief is different for everyone, and how they feel and what they do for their grief is all individual. Anyone who has never lost someone significant to their lives are best to not suggest things to a grieving wid. It made me go insane in the very beginning. Although, now I feel like I should give my two cents to these new wids in the groups. What really infuriates me is when wids don’t give suggestions on how to deal but as a deadpan go “life sucks.” It bothers me.
I’ve been noticing it more and more. June 25th was the 7 months anniversary for me and in two weeks will be what would’ve been George’s 47th birthday. He will forever stay young at 46, and when I’m 46 that will be a serious brain twister (I want to use an explicit verb there, fyi). I’m not that far along, I know, but I feel like my mental state of mind is. I’m in a very good place now, and I want to help other wids get there. But there’s some wids who are years out who are still shut ins. And I just cannot fathom why. There’s so much life around us, and I think it’s my quest to experience as much as I can, not only for myself but for George as well. I need to live and have him live on through me. And I don’t understand why some of these wids allow the death of their loved one to ruin their enjoyment of what is all around us. I can’t empathize here, and I think they in turn look at me and think I’m doing a disservice to George by continuing to live with a smile.
George loves me and I still love him. But I also needed to learn how to love myself the way that he saw me. So that’s what I’m doing, one day at a time. I joke around with friends that I’m a slippery one and that if they don’t move fast I will. This nightmare can create a docile lifestyle. I cannot live that way. I did for too many months after his death. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I’m becoming more and more like a phoenix. I need to spread my wings and show my true strength and colors and just glide to the next daily adventure that awaits me.