Alone in the summer

When George and I first started dating, it was in the middle of summer. Summer was always exciting because it was fun exploring the city together and never have to really worry about if it’s jacket weather. With him passing away in the winter, the weather matched my mood. As I started to turn my life around some bit, Spring was just around the corner as well. Now, with Summer in full bloom I feel a bit more optimistic and hopeful.

One thing about this journey is I’ve really had to learn to enjoy my time alone. In the beginning months, being by myself was maddening. The quietness of the room, where laughter and conversation once filled it, was more deafening than a jet engine. I began to start dating in the beginning of May to fill my time. Was I ready? I don’t know, but it accomplished one thing and that was to occupy my mind and distract me from the perpetual loneliness that greeted me the moment my apartment door swung open. Except now I thrive in my lonesomeness. I WANT to be by myself. Does this mean I’m at peace? Is this the acceptance part of grief?

What I’ve noticed is that there’s an undercurrent of sadness in my days. Mornings are not as brutal as they have been. I wake up between 730-9a every day and the first thing I do is take Bodie out for a long walk while listening to music. There’s a calmness that comes with it. The sadness lifts for those moments when the sun is beating down on my shoulders and Bo is trotting next to me. Maybe it’s George smiling down. I think he’s proud of me. I think he would be happy with how I’m getting by. He would hate my music choices though.

Today when I was lifting I was looking at myself in the mirror like a conceited jock, and I cannot stress how happy I am with my ongoing goal of losing my widow weight. Yesterday (Sunday) I ventured to Morristown to go to NBD gym where one of my former players gave me the biz on working out. I cannot wait to go back soon. If you’re in the Motown area, you need to check it out. It’s friendly and vibrant. I’m hoping to be teaching some Spin classes there once I get my certification. One of my many summer goals besides rebuilding my life, recruiting and being happy.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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3 Responses to Alone in the summer

  1. samdyljor says:

    Thank you for sharing I love being able to relate to you and your story.

  2. samdyljor says:

    Yes Nov 4 at 11.50pm is when I got the visit from the police telling me my beautiful husband had passed away. He was on a photography weekend away from home when it happened. MWAH xxx

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