Becoming Swiss Cheese

I went from Germany to Switzerland. For some reason I feel the grief creeping in. I look around me and I wish I could be sharing this experience with George. Today I went to a monastery and it was stunning. The vaulted ceilings with angels carved within the frame work, the gold trimmings and biblical scenes painted from one end to another. I couldn’t believe that hundreds of years ago it was built. Absolutely jaw dropping.  As I was there I couldn’t help but think about the priest who read George his last rites in the living room of our Jersey City apartment. I make no bones about it; since he died I do not have a belief system. My parents never pushed religion onto me and I always found myself curious if perhaps maybe there’s something there. But having to watch George in agony in those final days before he slipped into a coma, I do not believe. Discussions about religion make me uncomfortable particularly because I think too many horrible things happen to good people. I’m going to cut the cord here because it’s isn’t what my blog is about. I don’t want it to stir up anything. My personal experience has molded my character just as it has for anyone else. I recently read an author who said, “grief doesn’t change a person, it reveals them.” I agree with this completely. I haven’t been changed by George’s death. I still am who I am, but I did know I would be coming out if this entire experience a little older and different.  I’m not as happy as I used to be, but I’m more understanding and empathize. George would still love who I am. I don’t know. Maybe I can convey this at a better time.

It’s a little after 1a here in Zurich. I should be asleep, dreaming of my past life, but with grief my sleep patterns begin to twist and turn. I should have known this was coming. Sleepy during the day, wide awake at night. Grief, please don’t come. Leave me alone until I’m back stateside.



About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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