So 6 months ago, my life became very lonely and uncertain. Arguably it still is. The uncertainty of what my emotions and reactions still increasingly concerns me. Hence crippling anxiety, although it’s been better in the recent days. Last night I started thinking back about the past several months and was reading another widows cries for how she hasn’t been able to get her life back on track since her husband died in 2012. Sigh… I think my life is on some kind of track, but reading her grievances has me concerned that the worst has yet to come.
I do think a large part of the grieving process is to occupy your mind. To keep busy, so the claws don’t drag you back into a hole to leave you mangled and gasping for air. Here’s some of the things I’ve been able to do through the cloud of grief over the last 6 months.
- Raised over $11,000 for Cycle for Survival to honor and ride for my beloved George
- Attended a wedding
- Travelled to California
- Coached in a lacrosse recruiting showcase
- Participated and attended the Super Bowl halftime show
- Taught Circuit Training
- Coached my lacrosse program to a 11-7 record
- Discovered and continue to do SoulCycle
- Lost over 5% body fat
- Started Dating
- Did 8 Polar Bear Swims
- Attended a Broadway Musical
- Attended a Basketball Game at Madison Square Garden
- Attended two Big East Baseball Games
- Watched one of my players be honored as NJ Female Athlete of the Year
- Attended events at the National Arts Club
- Moved to a new apartment
- Started playing tennis regularly
- Made new friends
These are just some of the thing I could think of right now. I know so much of it seems mundane, but grief is brutal. I’m in a good sense of mind right now, but by 2p I could be sitting in my office crying, that’s just the way it works. In December I would go into the office and just close my door, do work and cry. Now I’m outside playing basketball and tennis regularly with other coaches. I loved my old life. I wanted to spend a lifetime with George. But now I have a lifetime I HAVE TO LIVE without him. And I want to make sure that I’m actually living. I know that’s what he would want. He would want me to enjoy every day, even when I make bad decisions. Which does happen and I’ve omitted them off my list… Maybe they’re for another post.