May 25th, 2014 is when 2 women’s lacrosse teams, one in Division 1 and the other in Division 3, are crowned National Champions. However, today marks 6 months I’ve been widowed. I’ve survived my first collegiate season without George in my life.
i usually update this blog when I’m not in a good place. There’s times when I do jot down the good times though. I’ve had bouts of grief lately, and I’m nervous about how I’ll feel tomorrow, but because right now I’m in a good sense of mind, I want to note an emptiness I often times feel and that I lose myself in.
When I’m feeling this bottomless pit of emptiness it’s hard to describe and can come off as overwrought. But I feel okay now to talk about it. There are days where when I wake up I wish I never did. I wish I wasn’t who I am, and yearn to run away. In the early months of this Spring season I felt this almost every day until about the end of February. At that point the emptiness switched to disastrous and uncontrollable anxiety. But those days when I wake up on my husbands side of the bed and he’s not there to say good morning, that is when there’s that horrid and bottomless ache of emptiness.
The hollowness I feel leaves me as a shell of a person. In the office I had to fake being sanguine whenever anyone asked how season was going. I was rarely excited about wins, even with the big ones, and we won 11 games! But these empty days there was one thing I couldn’t shake, and this is why I must only discuss this in the right frame of mind otherwise people will assume the worse; and it is not the case whatsoever.
When I wake up and I feel so terribly alone, I rather not be alive on those days. I just don’t want to be cognitive. I think that’s why so many widows can become shut-ins for months. They just don’t want to be alive. It’s so hard to explain and can quickly be misconstrued but I knew this was the risk.
Anyway, today marks 6 months of being widowed. 6 months separated from the last time I saw my lovey. 6 months without my best friend. 6 months of realigning. 6 months ago when my world stopped and the collapsed. 6 months of wishing I had one more day with George. 6 months my heart has been gouged from my chest. These have been the hardest 6 months of my life.