Falling down

ImageI’m a record: spinning around and around, but rather being on a turntable I’m suspended in air continuing to spin until I fall down. Cracked, broken and bruised, I lay there until it’s time to get back up and begin turning around all over again until the next breakdown.

That is what my day has been. I’m falling down. But I didn’t have practice today to look forward to. I didn’t have my players to cheer me up. I still had my routine SoulCycle class, but the tape that had menacingly held me together pulled apart today. But that’s okay. Someone today said something that really resonated with me, “having to struggle builds better character.” Somewhere at the end of this grief labyrinth I will come out a different person. Already I’ve learned so much from this lacrosse season from my players. I’ve become a better coach because of them. But now without the everyday comfort of having those 20 strong young women around me, I need to start becoming a better person on my own.

In a few weeks I will be 6 months widowed… The clock keeps ticking away, and with each tick I crack ever so slightly until I break down. But when my world is crashing down again and I fall, I’ll get back up just a little bit stronger than the last time and start to spin around.

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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