I felt like I’ve abandoned this for a couple weeks, and with my season heading into it’s final week I’ll be able to pick this back up. There’s a couple reason for lack of update; if there’s staggering changes I like to document it. With the thick of the season coming in late March into April I feel there’s a lot of monotony with it: Head into the office for scouts, do film breakdown, practice plan, implement strategy, rinse and repeat for the next opponent.
There were plenty of days in the last couple weeks when all I wanted to do was fall apart. With grief, your mood swings are not gentle, they are erratic and unpredictable. But in my position, I have 20 girls I need to make sure are continually improving and know I support them. So needless to say, I swallowed my grief. I felt like I was wailing my arms, trying to keep on swimming, but my legs were tied. But I never wanted to stop swimming, even on those days where all I wanted to do was drown. There was one practice I walked outside with a look that sent my team into a frenzy. They thought they were in trouble, but once practice started they realized I was just sad, and they started telling me about little anecdotes of their days that were funny to make me feel better. After practice I thanked them for brightening up my day.
I’m entering a weird part of my life. George has been dead now for over 5 months and I think I’ve come quite a long way. I recently read the older posts from January and February and it reads like another person is writing them. I loved looking at pictures of us together, but now I don’t. I avoid pictures of us together. It was a better life, and it’s no longer my life and it’s too painful to see how much happier I was. It’s brutal to look at something and think, wow I had it all and now I have a gaping hole in my heart and life.
The biggest change is I’m starting to date… However, as one of my dates told me, he’s never been out with someone who is so reserved. I am so damaged that it radiates. Many are thinking well maybe you aren’t ready to date. Well, the weird thing is that life continues to move along, even when all I want it to do is stop. So I better keep on moving forward too.