Wedding rings and dreams

Last night I had a very vivid dream about George. I was being chased, but he came to my side and we walked hand in hand. He was clean shaved, wearing cargo shorts and a polo T-shirt. He looked so healthy and happy. Of course seeing him in my dreams, I was shocked because I know he’s dead. Every time he’s in a dream I mention he’s dead. He must think I’m a serious buzz kill. Well we held hands and I was happy until the person chasing me in my dream came and then George disappeared and I woke up.

Today I turned the lights on, on the turf field and when I shut the door to the light room I heard a cling. I looked down on the pavement and saw his wedding ring. It fell off my necklace. I put it back on, but I was so surprised it fell. It was the first time that’s happened. And I started thinking about if it was a sign. Then practice started and I refocused and swallowed my grief.Β 

Usually in the evenings I hang with friends and it’s a nice distraction. Tonight I didn’t and I’m happy I didn’t. I needed to grieve. I started thinking about how I’m relatively happy and how I love my lacrosse team and the support I get from the other coaches. But then I couldn’t stop thinking how much more happy I would be if George was around. But he’s not and I shouldn’t think that way cause nothing will change it. But if he were still alive I wouldn’t be doing some of the things that I’m doing now that make me happy. It’s a horrible balance but what else is there to do? Either way, I miss having him at night, I miss his love, and I wish I would stop bringing up how he’s dead every time he shows up in a dream. Damn unconscious mind.Β 

We we have a game tomorrow at Elizabethtown. Last time I was there was in 2009. George was a live then and our friendship was in full bloom. I feel the anxiety creeping in.Β Image


About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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