Today marks 4 months since George has passed away. When I stop and think about the time that separates the last time I saw him to now, it doesn’t seem like it’s all that long ago. However, it FEELS like it’s been YEARS. I’m somewhat numb today. I’m sure by tonight when I’m alone I’ll stop and look at the pictures I have of us together and quickly fall apart. I try to avoid these extreme highs and lows that comes with grief. I hate feeling so carefree and I also loathe the bottomless sadness that counters it. So I try and fly neutral. However, I get overwhelmed so incredibly quickly.
The most recent problems that have been erupting is my forgetfulness. I’ve lost my keys twice in 3 weeks. It’s almost a novelty now with my assistant. But it really bothers me. I don’t lose things, and I’m misplacing everything. I joke and say that I’m trying to keep my life together and losing my keys is the debris of it all. But with the constant misplacing of items, I don’t think it’s really a joke anymore… It’s widow brain. And it’s a real thing. I just am so focused on moving along with my life that I just refuse to stop and register the little things that are going on. That’s the way it goes.
This evening my story about how I’m dealing with my grief is going to be published. I’m honored to share my story regardless of how depressing it is, but I feel like I’m exposing myself. I feel so transparent around people who know more about me than I do about them, and this is only going to add to it. George always said we would be famous one day– by no means do I think this will bring me fame, it’s just something he would jokingly say. Even though he’s physically no longer with me, I carry him close and if my story still involves a WE, I’m happy it’s with and about him. I’ll link to the story once it comes out.