Tonight I went out to the National Arts Club in NYC once again. I love that place. It’s stunning. Well as I was getting ready to head out, I dolled myself up. It felt good looking in the mirror and seeing someone glaring back at me who was remotely attractive.

Ive been feeling single lately… I don’t feel married anymore and I have a longing to be desired my another man. I do not want a relationship. No, no. I just want to flirt and be silly. So I’ve been going out more… And I feel like I’m in college again. I’m always hating on the few 20 something year old widows who act out but now I am getting that whimsicalness too. Its like an id vs superego right now. I don’t want regret but I want to feel something. But at the end, not having to feel regret wins out.

George would be happy that I am expanding my interest. He would be excited that I’m going out more. But he would not be happy that it’s at a cost… I still do not sleep enough and my patience at work is wearing thin. I need a day off to recharge. It was supposed to be Saturday but now my scrimmage has been rescheduled. Better luck next week…image

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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