Tonight I went out to the National Arts Club in NYC once again. I love that place. It’s stunning. Well as I was getting ready to head out, I dolled myself up. It felt good looking in the mirror and seeing someone glaring back at me who was remotely attractive.

Ive been feeling single lately… I don’t feel married anymore and I have a longing to be desired my another man. I do not want a relationship. No, no. I just want to flirt and be silly. So I’ve been going out more… And I feel like I’m in college again. I’m always hating on the few 20 something year old widows who act out but now I am getting that whimsicalness too. Its like an id vs superego right now. I don’t want regret but I want to feel something. But at the end, not having to feel regret wins out.

George would be happy that I am expanding my interest. He would be excited that I’m going out more. But he would not be happy that it’s at a cost… I still do not sleep enough and my patience at work is wearing thin. I need a day off to recharge. It was supposed to be Saturday but now my scrimmage has been rescheduled. Better luck next week…image


About J.

Fitness professional, aspiring writer, college lacrosse coach, widowed at 28, currently dating an Air Force officer who is deployed and documenting the at-home dealings and updates.
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