4 and a half hours

I have the tendency to get four and a half hours of sleep. I hate morning practices, I hate the weather and I hate my living conditions.

I’m starting to get increasingly anxious and less motivated. I’m not sure if this is grief of just tiredness. I cannot justify going to bed before midnight, and I wake up at 4:30a.

When I was commuting to work from Brooklyn, I would go to bed at 10p and wake up at 5a. It killed George and my personal time because I was always so tired. I didn’t want to get romantic because I was irritable. But now without him, why am I so accepting of this perpetual state of exhaustion? Is this a form of self mutilation?

I’m sad to be moving on Sunday but I’m ready to live close to school. Who knows maybe I’ll start going to bed at 1a and waking up at 6a for work. I wish I still had him with me. He would comfort me with all these mixed feelings.

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About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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5 Responses to 4 and a half hours

  1. Life is full of changes, wanted and unwanted, how we deal with them will determine our success. Learning to decipher feelings is a constant in life.

    I would say you are putting unnecessary strain on yourself with such little sleep. Start by letting go of the hate, which is probably creating the anxiety, lack of motivation, and irritability. Having to get up at 0430 should be justification enough to go to bed before midnight, also considering the fact that you are exhausted in doing it.

    Go to bed earlier.

    Regards,
    Clifford Mitchem
    Advocare Distributor
    Nutrition + Fitness = Health
    http://www.AdvoCare.com/13087657

    • J. says:

      I’m aware of the unnecessary strain. But at night, when all is quiet and the images of your husbands corpse laying in the living room circles throughout your mind… Sleep tends to be the littlest concern to me.

      There’s a lot of hate that can be swirling in my life. Like getting little sleep, having morning practices, having to pack my apartment (the one I shared with my husband), dealing with stress at work, watching friendships break at the seams because they don’t understand what I’m going through, coming home to an empty apartment, financially struggling due to tying up husbands bills… I can go on and on. I’m more than exhausted. I’m suffocating.

      • Not saying it is an easy thing but you can control your thoughts and move forward without being hindered by negative images. I am no professional on the matter, but find a happy image and focus on that. Every detail and nuance.

        Hate is a curved blade and the tighter you hold it the more it cut you not anything else. Allow others to help, don’t expect them to understand, but just be of service.

        You are creating a negative snowball. Break the cycle and find the glimmers of light. It is easier to light one candle than curse the darkness.

        Regards,
        Clifford Mitchem
        Advocare Distributor
        Nutrition + Fitness = Health
        http://www.AdvoCare.com/13087657

      • J. says:

        If the widow world, you would be referred to as a DGI. Doesn’t get it. You see, if you have read my past posts, with grief there’s a seesaw of emotions. When I am I’m this gutter of sadness that is grief, it’s the HAPPY images that bring it on. It’s remembering those funny moments you had with the person you WERE SUPPOSED to build a life with. But to have it torn away, you’re left with what? Memories. I want the real thing. But I will never have that. Ever. Again. With. Him. My soulmate.

      • How can I, it did not happen to me? I have no basis of comparison and neither does most of the world. Expecting anyone that has not gone through something similar to get it is what is causing the strain on you other relationships.

        I am just a caring person that would like to just give some support and kind word, which I would imagine is what your friends are attempting. Climbing into an ivory tower that no one else can join you in will only isolate you further. Let those who are willing shoulder something for you.

        Regards,
        Clifford Mitchem
        Advocare Distributor
        Nutrition + Fitness = Health
        http://www.AdvoCare.com/13087657

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