When there’s days of happiness and limitless highs, they are always balanced by days of bottomless lows. Days where being curled up on the couch, crying and just feeling helpless, seem so necessary. The problem is, having these days that are so unbearable are best spent alone. Spent in the cocoon of your own home. But unfortunately I had a plate full of activities today. And it started off by witnessing and barely avoiding a major accident in an intersection…
One of my players was named New Jersey Intercollegiate Woman of the Year. On my way to the luncheon to honor her, I was waiting waiting at a stoplight next to a car. I was already running late and was anxious to gun it once the light turned green. So I was watching the opposing stoplight so right when it turned red I would begin to roll and then press the gas. Well for some reason I didn’t do it and the car to my left proceeded ahead of me. As I began to roll, another car on my right ran through the red light and plowed into the car that was ahead of me. I was completely stunned. Then proceeded to cry because I knew I missed this by seconds.
When I arrived at the luncheon I saw my player and her family. I haven’t seen any of the families since George died, and of course the first things they addressed was how badly they felt for me. I haven’t heard this in awhile, so I wasn’t prepared for it, but I SHOULD have anticipated it. I’m glad it happened because now I know what to expect when I see all the other parents when our games begin. I feel transparent though. Everyone knows my problems and the adversities ahead of me, but all I can do is stand there and say, “I’m okay.” Even when I’m not. One of the honorees at the luncheon was talking about how much of her success can be credited to her husband’s support, and when she was talking and detailing how wonderful it has been having him beside her, I tuned her out. I was about to lose it, but luckily the person next to me said, “if I had to coach with my husband, I would probably kill him.” I turned to her and smirked.
After the awards were over I drove back home and got ready to head into the city to see my college teammate. We were going out to dinner and then to the St.John’s vs Creighton men’s basketball game. I had the blast with her. I also really loved the atmosphere of big time athletics. I love my university, but it was cool seeing how much the university and students embrace college athletics. Afterwards I was on the path train and I started thinking about how I was going home to an empty apartment. How I don’t have George at home to talk about avoiding a car accident, seeing my player get an amazing award, and how fun it was going to the basketball game. I just come home, walk Bodie, and then sit on my computer tapping my day into a blog.
Last time I was at Madison Square Garden was November 2009 when George got me tickets to Knicks vs Celtics for my birthday. I bought him a Celtics t-shirt to wear to the game, because I made sure he adopted my favorite basketball team. That game was close too. The Celtics won in overtime and I remember I was the only Celtic fan in a heavy Knicks section. After the game he brought me to his favorite restaurant in K-Town because he claimed it had the best fried chicken. This was before we went vegan to help treat his cancer with nutrition. We were out until 3 in the morning, and we walked home hand-in-hand, and I fell asleep in the nook of his clavicle.
Being home tonight, I don’t feel alone, I am lonely.