Practice and more bad news

Today was my team’s first practice of the season. They came out eager to play and worked hard from start to finish. We did a ton of running and the girls never complained about it once. Some looked visibly in pain from the workouts, but they never said a word about it. When it was time for the next sprint, they stepped up to the line, feet staggered and ready to go. Not all of them passed their mile test, but all of them did a great job on the short sprints. It became very clear that endurance is something we’ll need to continue to improve on.

Strangely enough THAT is my EXACT problem too. But it’s emotional endurance that is my issues. I have these short spurts of okay-ness but I cannot string days together of being in a good mood. I had a great Sunday, but yesterday was tragic with the flooding and feeling helpless and today was kind of the same. Having lacrosse practice was certainly a great mental distraction, but once it was over those little memories of George laying in the hospital bed dying crept in. I wish I could take a branding iron to my brain and sear those memories. They’re horrible. Imagine watching your loved one hang on to life and but you know the inevitable is coming… But when I get these crippling memories, I do get good ones to combat it. At the end of this post, I wrote my little memory that kept me going today.


Well today I learned that my dad’s blood disease has moved to the next stage of Myelofibrosis. It’s when your blood marrow begins to change into scar tissue. Seriously, can I get a goddamn break? Is there something the universe is trying to tell me? I feel boulders landing on my shoulders every single day, and soon my legs are going to buckle and crack and I’m going to be left emotionally mangled and scarred. But I have to go on, I can’t stop moving forward. As someone in my widow/ers board said, I cannot allow the grief to control me. If I stop, the grief will smother me, and then what? I just keep allowing it to dictate me? I have to fight back, and take the punches as they come. Life is not fair, and right now, I am feeling the full forces of it. Will it make me a better person in the long run? Maybe. Will it leave me damaged? Maybe. Will I come out more enlightened and with valuable lessons? Absolutely. Right now, I need to find the silver linings in each day. And so far my lacrosse team has been shining so bright that it’s drawing me in, and I need it the love and support that it offers. It’s the only thing that’s holding strong while everything else is falling down around me.


Brief memory of the day: I was thinking about how George would make these bomb oat meal cookies. I don’t have the recipe but I’m hoping he wrote it down somewhere… I’ve been craving these cookies lately, and after work I come home and cook right away. I have food that will last me several days so I don’t need to continue to cook. But if I can start baking that would be awesome. He was so proud of himself when it came to these cookies. It was HIS cookie recipe and he loved to brag about it. I loved when our house would fill with the aroma of these cookies because they were so delicious. The only cookie that tasted better than the batter. He was such a love. Have I ever said how much I loathe cancer?

About J.

Fitness professional, fitness & nutrition writer, widowed at 28. Writing about getting through grief through self-care, physical activity, and the ​constant feeling of being uncomfortable.
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